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The first time I watched a patient die, I was a student.
ICU. I stood there watching the monitor. The numbers kept dropping slowly, like they had somewhere to be and nothing was going to stop them.
Nobody was rushing. That was the part that got me. The monitor just kept beeping and beeping. And then less beeping.
I kept waiting for someone to do something but there was nothing to do.
I thought about it for weeks afterward. How one minute a person is there and then they just aren’t.
How the body gives you a countdown and there’s nothing to do but watch.
It taught me something I couldn’t have learned in a classroom: life is fickle in a way that the word “fickle” doesn’t fully cover.
You just get used to it. You learn to separate yourself from it, go home, eat your food, sleep. And one day you just realize death stopped scaring you and you don’t know exactly when that happened.
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