Totally Cloud Free

@Keir_Starmer Can you force local authorities to adopt the new estates as well, ending fleecehold once and for all?

This is my message to housebuilders: get on with it. If you promise homes, you have to build them. As part of our Plan for Change, we’re introducing penalties if you don’t build them fast enough.

@lazyinaz @fesshole Women get HRT, men get a 911

@fesshole Straight guys just buy a car in a midlife crisis.

I'm a heterosexual man with kids, during a mid-life crisis and after watching porn, I wondered what it'd be like to blow a man. I set up GRINDR and met a man but it was awful, smell of urine and sweat was bad enough but the guilt, knowing my wife does this for me made me stop.

@Zafarcakes Salt Bae RIP

BREAKING: Roy Keane has murdered the entire Manchester United squad, staff and Salt Bae who was unfortunately nearby.

@HouseGOP @POTUS Run up debt, give a few tax cuts for the highest earners, but most of all leave one big beautiful bill for the American taxpayer.

PASSED: THE ONE BIG BEAUTIFUL BILL ACT. House Republicans just passed this HISTORIC piece of legislation FOR YOU.

@fesshole Middle aged ladies who are struggling to find an age-appropriate partner, take note.

I bought a classic car and restored it. Took it down Deansgate in Manchester thinking I'd struggle to move for the amount of women around it. Turned out to be the biggest middle aged cock magnet in history. They did appreciate it though.

@StanCollymore If he doesn't want to play for just one club, now is the time to go. Liverpool will have known this was coming and decided to let him go for free rather than selling him 1/2 years ago. People get a bit excited about football, but it's just a job for Trent at the end of the day.

Liverpool supporters across the world, your erudite and considered thoughts on Trent Alexander Arnold leaving on a free this summer, please. 👇🏽🔴

@RpsAgainstTrump The people shall have five pencils!

Trump: I don't think a beautiful baby girl that's 11 years old needs to have 30 dolls. I think they can have 3 dolls or four dolls...they don't need to have 250 pencils. They can have 5. Sounds like a true communist to me

@Frank255373263 @LiverpoolFF I used to live in mid Wales and I quite enjoy the snow, but a lot of people here just don't get the practice to develop the skills and the confidence. Where I live now its unusual to have to scrape the car off more than a dozen times a season. Some years snow doesn't stick at all

@cloud_totally @LiverpoolFF This is true to a point.. But drive slower, if you start to slide steer in the direction of the slide and grow a set basically.. Front wheel drive vehicles do fine in that amount of snow...

As a Norwegian, it’s absolutely hilarious that they’re even contemplating calling this game off😂

While we're talking about Storm Bert here's a memory from lockdown. when wind and tree stole my maiden tee

@fesshole That's what I call real BDE, nothing to prove to strangers, doing your own thing and letting the rest get on with it.

On country roads I don't know, where 50mph seems plenty, I've started to pull over occasionally to let faster cars pass. I don't even tow a caravan. Not sure if I'm being considerate, or should buy old fart driving gloves.

@fesshole Say you own a Wurzels LP without saying you own a Wurzels LP

We used to plant bangers in wet cowshit, light them and then run in circles jumping over until they went off. I always trimmed the fuse, then ensured Steve went third. Sorry to Steve's mum. Them trousers were rank.

@fesshole Say you are addicted to cottaging without saying you are addicted to cottaging

I was hoodwinked by a Facebook ad for mens fragrances that would make me irresistible. One of them smells a bit like urinal cubes. It is however, my favourite.

@fesshole Stick to vimto, it's a mellow high

I have stuck to the exact same brand of box wine for ages. I'm sick of it but if I keep swapping out the box nobody in my family can tell how much I'm drinking.

@fesshole What type of psycho usually has their phone switched off?

I have seen my man unlock his phone enough times to know his PIN, so sometimes when he's out for a smoke I will unlock it. The only reason I do this is to have a quick look at the weather forecast, because my own phone is usually switched off and I'm lazy.

@anon_opin Quit drinking, it's the best thing you'll ever do.

Being hungover on weekends is inefficient. You should wake up early on weekends and live your life. You should only drink heavily on weeknights so you can recover from your hangovers while on the clock at work.

@1R_1S Oh no not moo too

I have evidence of moo deng verbally abusing her stylist and makeup artist.

@anon_opin In the second austerity era, when you hear of free entertainment, you just have to swing by.

If there were a public hanging planned tomorrow for the centre of London, you wouldn't get close for all the thousands of people who would turn up, wanting to watch.

@anon_opin I like to warm my hands and gently steam my face when working from home in the winter months.

Tea and coffee don't really make sense. "I'm not thirsty at the moment, but I'll make a really hot drink anyway just in case I'm thirsty in about 10-15 minutes when it's cooled enough to start taking tiny sips."

@fesshole Try a tin of spaghetti hoops, it will blow your mind

I spent years dismissing pasta and couldn't understand why so many people seemed to enjoy it, because I found it so bland and tasteless. Then I learned that you're supposed to add sauces to it.