Christopher Stewart

Mickey got excited about popping Gus' back zits. Is this a common thing in relationships or does @JuddApatow just magically knows my life.

He was the worst President in history. And when he got voted out, he tried to stage a coup. Then he stole national secrets and sold the ones he didn't store in the bathroom. He was convicted of fraud, found liable of sexual assault and convicted of 34 felonies. He is half a billion dollars in debt, owned by God only knows who, and the biggest national security risk the nation has ever had. But at least he's not a Black woman.

@GWasherballs @ninaturner Prime example of “tell me you don’t understand history without telling me you don’t understand history”

@ninaturner Life Pro Tip: If you're not 14 yrs old, you shouldn't be working for minimum wage. The word is MINIMUM, as in, this is not what you strive towards. It is the very least an untrained, unmotivated, useless human-being can accomplish. It is the bottom. EVERYTHING is above it.

The minimum wage in Texas is $7.25/hour.

@didaskeptic @jessiegender She literally tweeted “Merry Terfmas”. You can’t clearly or succinctly show you are anti-trans than that.

@jessiegender She is not anti-trans. The only people who think this are people who haven't actually read what she has said. She isn't against someone transitioning. She is against that being the same as actually being a woman.

Sorry to talk this again but I want to be clear. I don’t boycott Harry Potter because it gives Rowling money. She’s got money. The reason to not support HP is she uses it to stay relevant & argues that its continued popularity is a sign that her antitrans hate is valid.

@hasanminhaj you made @Jeopardy the most fun it’s ever been. I’d watch Jeopardy every day if you were on it.

Anyone realize the words succinct and succinctness themselves are not succinct or have succinctness.

Check out The Last of Us and come make some jokes with me about a zombie outbreak! twitch.tv/comicallychris

@AmericanAir Also. You had people stay at the desk for about 10 min after we deplaned and there hasn’t been anyone there since.

@comicallychris Your time is valuable, and we're sorry for the delays. We'll have you off the ground soon.

Shame on you @AmericanAir. Charging close to 1900 dollars for 2 tickets to Gainesville and you have planes with part failures causing deplaning. I should not be paying over a months rent for this. Flight AA3760

@AmericanAir Those are nice words, but how can you make this right? I now have to spend an additional 300 dollars for a car rental because my plans are falling through. And the next flight out to another city I’m willing to go to isn’t for an additional 5 hours when Ft Worth is a hub for you.

There’s a special place in Hell for people who call a customer service line 2 minutes before close and take 30 minutes to ask their questions and ask the same questions over and over.

@LydenCooper A few years? Dude’s been on SNL since 2014. Almost a full decade. I guarantee he hasn’t done an open mic for 9 or 10.

Being famous is funny because a few years ago Pete Davidson was just a guy doing open mics in New York and now Kanye West hates him

I’ve been making my way through my childhood favorite show and decided to pick up the next spinoff series. After the melodrama of “SAVE THE WORLD FROM EVIL EVERY EPISODE”, having the tone of “Oh no I’m gonna get kicked out of Duel Academy!” makes me laugh so hard. #yugioh

We’re all thinking it right? Pete Davidson and T-Swift yeah?

@tarahsackett SNL must have been short a sketch this week to have her do the full 10 min version live.

@YungEnchantress I feel this hard. I’m such an advocate for this except when it comes to myself. Often I’ll be like, “Oh I want to replay TLOU or God of War, and it’s like I don’t want to get stuck.” I still don’t use the story mode. But that’s just me working on my internalized toxic masculinity

It’s taken me almost 30 years of gaming to realize I’m allowed to play games on “easy”. I grew up believing I had to compete with boys to prove I was an “authentic” gamer to them. Your hobbies are yours and you don’t have to prove yourself to anyone.

Why is it the day that I start #SquidGame, the neighborhood kids play Green Light, Red Light right outside my window? I’m thoroughly creeped out.

Yes you’ve tripped so hard you questioned life’s existence, but have you tripped so hard that you question life’s existence and shopped for term life insurance?

All the hate on Lil Nas X for sexuality needs to stop right now. Where was this outrage when Katy Perry made herself a LITERAL cream pie with “California Girls”? You all are just mad that you got turned on by two guys getting it on. #lilnasX #StopHate

@JohnnyMcNulty “I’m going to make an opinion look like a statement and claim it as fact. It sucks but unless you can prove me wrong, I’m right.” What a load of crock.

@conorsaidwhat Some people have no sense of risk/reward.

What can they see five feet to the left that I can't see from the ground right here?