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If you see me reading Foucault and sewing elbow patches on my tweed jacket mind your business I'm trying to fuck a grad student

jordan peterson looks like he would say “unhand me” if you got him in a half nelson

If you can’t handle me at my Hondadays then you don’t deserve me at my Toyotathon

@SethZero1 @TPSOperations He killed a person, man. Semantics don’t matter in emergency headlines

@TPSOperations NOTHING is wrong with having a knife. Do you mean "Person BRANDISHING a knife". That's a whole different story.

PERSON WITH A KNIFE: High Park Subway 2:05pm - On the E/B platform - Reports a person has assaulted and possibly stabbed several ppl - Unknown extent of injuries - Police are on scene - Will update #GO2396611 ^lb

how can the Queen be dead when she is the one reading this right now?

@KingJames What are your thoughts on Up Dog?

You’re damn right I would slap a guy if he made fun of something my wife was sensitive about like her weird toes or big nipples.

Big Dairy critics are silenced by my calcium-rich unbroken bones

My dog is named "Rue" after Rue McClanahan, but a lot of people think she's named after Rue on Euphoria. Please, I'm a 40 year old man. It'd be weird if I named my dog after a highly sexualized teenager. She's named after a highly sexualized senior citizen, thank you.

You say that it’s fucked that gingerbread men live in gingerbread houses, but to a gingerbread person, gingerbread is as inscrutable and fundamental as carbon. The people and homes are no more alike than humans are to diamonds. Only we, their gods and creators, can see the horror

My New Year’s Resolution is to be objectified more

You're in her DMs but I own the NFT of her profile pic

E.T. walked so that Katie and Orbie could run

you want to kiss me? the thing that made sixpence none the richer?

Dudes wearing little ass beanies while their boats are unstable in stormy waters… Bro you are worried about the wrong capsizing

Gay people should not be forced to work in coal mines. But could you even imagine the songs they’d come up with down there

@mysecwetaccount Thats so freaking thoughtful - Mike is an absolute treasure.

Ask not for whom the gabagools. It gools for thee

@Chrisdarkrock @HistoryMuppet One of these is a Muppet and the other is a real life bear. The answer may surprise you!

so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement