Daniel Lowe

HOW A DEAD BEDROOM REVIVED IN SEVEN DAYS I’ve never seen a guy go from dead bedroom despair to living the sexual dream this quickly. But Mitch’s story sets a new record. A couple of months ago, I had my first conversation with him. They hadn’t had sex in months. Nothing he did was ever good enough. One time he replaced the roof of his entire house, and all she did was find one thing he could have done better. I didn’t think it sounded hopeless, but Mitch held out no possibility for better sex. He just wanted to take the Reforged Marriage course to improve his life while staying for the kids. So he joined the Spring cohort. The pivotal week started with a predictable pattern. His wife had been nagging him to replace a sink drain. On Saturday, he bought the part, came home, and then saw he’d gotten the wrong color. He moved forward with the install hoping she wouldn’t notice. She noticed, “Why can’t you ever do anything right?” In the coursework, we emphasize having higher standards for yourself than your wife does for you. Crucially, that does NOT mean doing exactly what she wants—they have to be YOUR standards, not hers. But initiative is how you break free from nagging. And so on Sunday, instead of waiting for her to hassle him a few more times about getting the right drain part (his modus operandi), Mitch just did it. He started taking initiative in other ways as well. The next day, she sarcastically commented that she’d probably have to plan out her own birthday later that week. He said “actually I’ve got a full plan already—you had said you wanted to plan it, but you don’t have to.” She paused. She had forgotten her earlier decision to plan it, but now liked the idea of letting him lead. In the course, we warn guys that taking initiative will disrupt the status quo. They need to expect her to push back, and be ready to cheerfully and confidently hold frame. One of the field exercises was to engage in a house project that wasn’t a “honey do” project. So on Tuesday, Mitch moved his home office to a new room, because he liked the window better. When his wife saw him switching things up, she dismissively said, “I can’t even deal with this,” and left the room. Mitch simply carried on. On Wednesday, there was an argument about a trip to Boston for work. He wanted her to join him, she didn’t want to go. After offering to take her on a ferry to Martha’s Vineyard (a place she’d always wanted to visit), she accused him of strong-arming her. Unlike so many arguments before, Mitch stayed calm. He said, “Looks like I won’t convince you that I’m just excited to have you with me, and that I really want to see your face when we walk by the ocean together. We can talk about this later.” He left it at that. Then came Thursday. His wife had tried to get a refund for a bad garden hose, and the store attendant had given her a hard time about it. When he found out, he reached out, and gave her a hug. She collapsed into his arms. He just stood there, and she wouldn’t let him go. He made a joke about it, and she still clung to him. Just a few days of showing some spine, and she felt like she could let go of the burden of holding everything together. She hadn’t hugged him like that in years. On Friday, she criticized his decision about a lawn care service. He stayed unbothered, and everything was fine. That evening, they played Settlers of Catan with the kids. She asked him what color he wanted to be. He started to say “it doesn’t matter,” and then caught himself being indecisive and putting the decision on her. “Blue,” he confidently said. Then came Saturday. The birthday plans involved dropping the kids off at her parents’ house while they played tennis, and then finally having dinner with her family. But she felt tired and went up for a nap. Rather than asking her (like he would have before), Mitch just made the call and dropped off the kids at Grandma’s anyway. He came home and she told him she couldn’t sleep. He replied, “well, I could use a nap.” His wife cuddled up next to him (as she hadn’t in a good while) and they both slept. Mitch woke up. He wanted sex. In the past he’d carefully rub her back and test the waters to be absolutely sure she was up for it before being overtly sexual. But in the course we teach guys to be decisive, while also embracing rejection. So he prepared himself. “This week has been great. If nothing else happens, I’m already OK.” And then he turned her over, gave her a big sexy kiss, pulled back while she wanted more, and said, “let’s grab a drink before we meet them all for dinner.” “Or we could just take a shower,” she replied. And so they had sex, for the first time in months. On the way to her parents’, she talked about making his home office nicer—the same office she had been annoyed about. She gushed about having such a capable husband. “My friend was bragging about her man, how all she has to do is make him a list. But you don’t even need that—you just do things!” It had been only a week. It felt like a lifetime. As the course continued, Mitch reached even greater heights. He started taking the lead in the bedroom the same way he had outside—telling her what to do, moving her into position, which paradoxically made her feel freer to express what she wanted. “That’s the most fun I’ve ever had during sex,” she said, beaming at him. As I said, I’ve never seen a woman jump on a man’s changes so quickly. Most wives take longer. But the journey often has this same shape: from rolling her eyes in contempt for him, to her eyes rolling back in her head as he takes her. I get a lot of flak for my optimism. Guys scoff, “Giff thinks women have no agency—that a man turning himself around will magically transform any shrew into a feminine delight.” I’ll admit that there are some marriages beyond saving. But Mitch thought HIS marriage was beyond saving—and love and sex came back in a week! So to the skeptical husbands out there, I offer you a Pascal’s Wager: What do you have to lose by giving this a serious try? And what do you have to lose by staying in despair? I can’t guarantee outcomes. But I can guarantee you’ll like the man you’ll become. And the odds are STRONGLY in your favor that she will too.