Day One Patch Kids

Finally saw“ Masters of the Universe” and boy, am I glad I didn’t pay for it. Here’s everything wrong with it: It’s two hours and 23 minutes and 54 seconds long! 4 minutes in, Eternia has a BLACK Man-At-Arms in charge of the military (which seems to be mostly girls!) He physically assaults a white boy and then praises a WHITE girl who turns out to be his daughter Teela! Young Prince Adam gets beaten by his FEMALE best friend Teela. I’m squinting because they chose not to light the sets properly. Adam has a black female boss (of course). He gets himself fired. Has to be saved by now-LATINA female warrior Teela who calls him a “squink.” He continues to make a buffoon of himself. He gets bullied by a girl he went to school with. He meets a FEMALE battle bot. Teela continues to do all the heavy lifting - and then the FEMALE robot does too. Adam continues to be useless. Black Man-at-Arms becomes an alcoholic clown. The female robot calls him “Drunken” instead of Duncan. Adam continues to be useless. When He-Man finally does appear, he stays as beta and clumsy as Adam is. Teela continually berates and talks down to her own dad who used to be Captain of the Guard. And the most subversive part: He-Man accidentally kills his own father. AND THAT'S WHERE I TURNED IT OFF. So to recap: He-Man: BETA Teela: RACE-SWAPPED GIRLBOSS BITCH. Man-At-Arms: RACE-SWAPPED JOKE. And Skeletor: COMIC RELIEF VILLAIN. And the gay jokes are cringe - but at least they’re better than the rest of the script. So don’t tell ME this isn’t yet another woke POS deconstruction. It’s basically as bad as “James Gunn’s Superman.” No wonder it bombed at the theater.

you can pinpoint the exact moment Cregger considers never making a videogame movie ever again