Bean

My shrink told me 2 make a list of things that make me sad everytime I feel sad. thats y I have 52 pieces of paper tht say 'pompeii' on them

Ted Cruz is what happens when you can't play your fiddle better than the devil

the world's strongest horse, but emotionally

a perfectly formed snow ball just came out of my ass

Boston is, and will remain, an accepting and inclusive City. I'm proud to raise the transgender flag at Boston City Hall today.

Trans woman: My name is Amy,please call me that Teacher: Can't :/ Cis guy:I'm Peter but call me Pizza Pete🤣 Teacher: Haha ofc Pizza Pete!

ill never forget this random kid who dmed me a selfie, then took a really dark turn

you (uncultured): a baby couldve painted this picasso painting me (cultured, took 1 college art history class): i would fuck this painting

merry christmas. time for ur cool uncle to offer u one hit of a joint not knowing youve been high for like the last 7 years

Lime green #wickedcooltree

@lexiilou02 jesus christ

Every night I have to beg my children not to hypnotize me

Read my indignant editorial on how millennials are opting to build gingerbread apartments, in which I breezily mention gingerbread debt

What is Lisa Frank going thru

@HaileyDuquette guess who has seen her live ........:,)

whoops dropped my cereal

Actually people do know climate change is real - like scientists and almost every other head of state in the world. washingtonpost.com/news/energy-en…

if you "rock" around my christmas tree i will knock your friggin block off pal

MILLENNIAL: omg the line at starbucks is so long lol BOOMER: a racoon died in the well & we all got ass fever. the king stole our best goat

Zoology wouldn't be the same without @jloading33