ThingsThatDidntHappen

A Millionaire in a tailored suit walks into a restaurant for a business meeting. He spots a stunning waitress carrying drinks around and offering them to everyone there. No small talk. He walks up to her and offered a million dollars if she married him today. One million. Marry me. Give me kids. Quit your life forever. Be 100% honest Your turn: What would YOU do if this happened to you tonight? Take the deal? Walk away? Negotiate? Roast him/her? No cap. Drop your real answer below. 👇

On the train and 4 ‘lads’ sit down…. I let the ‘Bants’ go and then one of them throw a bit of rubbish at some passing women. So I say, ‘fellas let me just manage your expectations… I’m a cop and I won’t stand for that behaviour’ 1/2

BREAKING: Multiple police officers have come forward stating that Kamala is 100% intoxicated in this clip and she would’ve been charged with a DUI if she was behind the wheel of a car.

I was talking to a friend on the phone and she said she could never vote Republican because they want to take away abortion.” I said “what’s so horrible about that?” She said women should have the right to decide what happens to their own bodies. ME: Did you feel that way when the government FORCED you to wear a mask and get the vaccine? HER: That was different, that was saving lives. ME: Not killing unborn babies is saving lives too. SILENCE. Then I said: Every time a black woman has an abortion she’s preventing a black child from being born. Is that a good thing? SILENCE. Then I said: Democrats want us to stay the minority in this country. That’s why they let drugs and guns come into our neighborhoods. And that’s why they encourage y’all not to reproduce. She hung up on me.

I had the great pleasure to meet Robin Williams in person randomly at ABC carpet in Nyc one day. He was standing in the corner eyeing rugs on the top floor. I asked what was he doing in NY for and shared that I had lived in SF. Made some jokes and said I had come to NY to be an artist and if I could show him some work. He raised his voice and said “Thats Fucking Amazing!” Such a memorable moment just the two of us admiring carpets and sharing art.. and of course there were some amazing impressions and jokes thrown in but I’ll never forget ❤️

I am on board a Delta flight right now. The person sitting next to me in first class refused $100,000 to remove her mask for the entire flight. No joke. This was after I explained they don’t work. She works for a pharma company.

Really good!!

My eldest did not sleep for 6 weeks after Donald Trump was elected and my middle child had night terrors for four years. Should Trump ever return to office, I will keep my children home and away from all devices until his term ends.

When my son was 2, I heard him mumbling to himself as he was going to sleep, 'Mikhail Gorbachev'. It sounded like a promise that the world he would grow up in would be less fearful and more hopeful.