Dick Hurtz

@Walmart fired a brain-damaged worker of 20 years who gave customers free hugs. Former employee now suing @Kmart for wrongful termination.

@amyschumer upset @glamourmag put her in plus-size issue. Also featured in upcoming plus-size women who don't know they're plus-size issue.

LA proposes taxing pot to fund housing for homeless. Homeless are proposing legalizing, taxing crack to fund filthy crack dens for homeless.

A woman is planning £20K wedding ceremony for her dog. She would've saved the money for her own wedding but clearly has no man in her life.

Ohio woman says @pizzahut employee shamed her for breastfeeding. Only thing harder to digest than the shame was the garlic knot pizza crust.

A museum dedicated to the Olsen twins is opening in Brooklyn. It features photos, Full House memorabilia, and a recent restraining order.

San Francisco mayor has banned city-related travel to North Carolina over anti-LGBT law. NC has banned travel to SF because too many homos.

@adamcarolla's crowdfunded movie #RoadHard released. To prepare for role of unsuccessful road comedian, Adam studied @AndyKindler's career.

@KellyOsbourne quit @e_FashionPolice after co-host joked about @Zendaya. Only being humorless sanctimonious bitch to win her mom's approval.

Utah woman suing herself for wrongful kill of husband in car crash. Also seeks to recover legal costs, $59.98 in @LegalZoom membership fees.

@Samsungtweets warns their smart TVs are listening in on conversations. Also confirmed channels that elicit most n-words: @espn & @FoxNews.

@pizzahut partnering with @udisglutenfree to add #glutenfree pizza to menu. For $2 more you can get crust stuffed with cauliflower béchamel.

@UVA fraternity @PhiKappaPsi reinstated after @RollingStone gang rape article debunked. Frat celebrating return with @BillCosby theme party.

Woman arrested for DWI at @Walmart parking lot, driving drunk on vanilla extract. @TLC, @AETV in bidding war to sign her for a reality show.

@Sia apologized after complaints of pedophilic undertones in Elastic Heart music video. Claims her back was turned during entire production.

Seattle comedian suffered skull fracture after attack by open micer with metal bat. Attacker describes himself as edgier, funnier @Galagrrr.

Kim Jong-un's sister got married to the son of North Korean senior party official. As a wedding gift, Kim executed all of her ex-boyfriends.

@BillCosby has hired private investigators to discredit his accusers. Investigators tasked with finding things worse than raping 20+ people.

@BarbaraJWalters named Amal Clooney most fascinating person 4 marrying George Clooney. Least fascinating Macaulay Culkin's emotional friend.

@google released list of most searched news & trending subjects 2014. Most searched Dick Hurtz was me. #q=dick+hurtz" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener">google.com/#q=dick+hurtz #YearInSearch