Regular Marc, No Theme

Any room’s an escape room if you’re dumb enough.

if u say no to pretzels, the flight attendant should give u something called a Coin of Restraint. while worth nothing now, these coins will play a major role in the afterlife

Irish Zionism

New York is so much more than just the place where our movie takes place. It was also the boom operator.

I have no nipples, Focker, and I must be milked

they HALO jump john fetterman into the dead center of tehran, buttass and fucked up on crystal. the ultimate weapon. but he gets porno mad and starts flinging around IDF guys so they have to flamethrower him and he’s just yelling

Had a guy at the bar ask if the holiday fruit cherry we garnish my “Appletini” with were from nature and I reflexively said “yes but not under the watchful eyes of a loving or caring god” and he asked me, genuinely, how I learned to talk like that.

Showing this photo to a loan shark named Joey Pliers and watching him click “Buy Now” on a new pair of pliers.

One of the many things I don’t miss about living in NYC are the cocktail bars that stay open during major snowstorms and act like that makes them saviors of the community. A neighborhood dive sure, but who NEEDS to go to Employees Only during a blizzard?

For 150 years, milk has been the only liquid of cereal. I aim to change that. There will be a new cereal that requires a different liquid, and will even be repulsive with milk.

Me when I’m being enlarged to show detail: Arghhhhh not again!

Can’t wait to find out Epstein convinced Gary Vaynerchuk to create Resy to use American Express user data to figure out which restaurants private equity firms should buy.

Elon: Can I come play on the island pleeease? Maxwell: Actually the island… exploded, so we can’t have anyone there anymore Epstein: C an I t=ext yo u?

Good: You say “oh my gosh” and “cheese and crackers” to avoid taking the Lord’s name in vain. Bad: God hears you and understands in context your invocation of a deity. You are flagged for worshipping a false idol. Verdict: Hell

I think I'm going to get back into chocolate milk. Besides stirring up my yogurt real good I'm hardly an active participant in my own life

They’re ousting Bovino because they finally lab-synthesized a new freakish imp with a Schutzstafell birthmark.

Guy looking at a ceiling fan in 1922: I need to put that in some kind of cup so I can make soup.

@nopoweradeinusa Had a barback like this. Hosted a devastating private funeral and in the middle of people sobbing and wailing into the mic he came up to me and pulled out an eight ball. Not my kindest “c‘mom man.”

that 83 year old regular at the bar cannot read a room to save his life, we held a wake here the other day for someone's wife, he came in, looked around and goes "where's the groom"

Just saw Ina Garten at the Carytown Publix 😍 she was saying “fuck fuck fuck I thought it was next week fuck fuck 🥰 Giada De Laurentiis was leashed up in a little handbag barking and snarling at the seafood counter guy 😤 every pilgrim should have been slaughtered.

Nice fucking @Resy outage on a busy Friday night. Great product, dipshits.

Me, time traveling to 1993: Yeah so our president maybe gave your president some crazy head. 3 year old me, whose mother calls Clinton “Slick Willie” but I have a hard time pronouncing that: Sick Wickily? Present me: Yeah. Sure.