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IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN'T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD

[Slaps head] this baby can fit so much anxiety

Whenever you think you don't matter, remember that you could be the one to introduce your neurodivergent friend to the phrase they're going to repeat 28 times a day for the rest of their lives.

I need a second therapist to help me figure out if my first therapist is mad at me

If you can't afford to pay your staff a living wage, you can't afford to own a restaurant.

Imagine you're having lunch with your friends and someone comes up and uses the same pickup line on you that everyone just learned together in 3rd period

Sorry, I can't stop by after work I'm already running late for being home from work.

"If it gives you a stomach ache, just stop eating it" you literally don't understand me at all

@Bullwong The scientific devolution

They'll refer to this time in history as the unenlightenment.

ever since i was a child i knew i just needed five more minutes

Having a job is really exhausting but at least I get to spend all the money I make on shit I don't want

Babe, what's wrong? You've barely touched your ₥₳₦-₥₳ĐɆ ⱧØⱤⱤØⱤ₴ ฿ɆɎØ₦Đ ØɄⱤ ₵Ø₥₱ⱤɆⱧɆ₦₴łØ₦

"The sun really ages you" yeah so does hearing a podcaster you've been listening to for a decade suddenly start making offhand comments about cool birds they've seen, but there's no protection against that

@TheAuthorGuy @allenanalysis Just gonna mail this study guide she made to as many politicians as I can find and hope for the best

@elle91 @allenanalysis Thanks, Yael.

🇺🇸🧵NEW: Ron DeSantis wants to eliminate property taxes for Florida homeowners. Property taxes generate $55 to $60 billion a year in Florida. They pay for fire departments, police, EMS, and roughly half of public school funding. Eliminate them and that money has to come from somewhere. Independent analysts say the most likely replacement is a sales tax hike. Estimates run from the current 6 percent to as high as 12 percent.

@TheAuthorGuy @allenanalysis I've been tutoring this kid in AP Gov and having daily existential crises about the fact that she knows more about how the government runs than people actually running the government. She's 15.

@allenanalysis And a sales tax impacts the poorest people the most. This, once again, shifts the burden of taxation from the richest to the poor and working poor.

@sippycup_25 x.com/i/status/90371…

cashier said have a nice day and i thought she was gonna ask if i wanted the receipt so i said “no thanks” and walked off

I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said "enjoy your night" so I said "not today, thanks" and left.

@iceplanetx It does feel like they're fully trolling sometimes

@elle91 I had a WHOLE EPISODE of made in Chelsea come up as an ad once 😂😂

YouTube employee: Yes there will be more ads, but after 15 seconds, users can skip them. Boss: How long are the ads if they don't hit the "skip" button? Employee: Roughly 6 hours

@JoebobBillybob3 I'd fully convince myself it was a "The Ring" type of situation and shit myself for the next week

@elle91 I remember getting a two hour long ad where it was just flames and then the devils face fades in laughing and screaming. I dont even remember there being a product. Im not making this up.

@PyramidHead76 I am not a void just because my hands are busy. I am sometimes a void but that has more to do with my brain than my hands tbh

@elle91 Yep. Ads happily playing to the void.