★ emily ★

him: you better not be a cunty side table when i get there me:

If you’re in line to see Barbie STAY IN LINE!!!

hey the screaming and crying and throwing up factory called. they need you back there for the night shift

A Biden photobomb via the Nantucket Current

rihanna leaving the super bowl stage after explaining all the new fenty products coming in 2024

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modern day pie-cooling-on-a-windowsill

by age 23 you should have at least two tattoos that you don’t regret but still make u kinda go “hmmm”

A weighted blanket is not enough I need a hydraulic press

The greatest trick the devil ever played was taking the yolks out of six hard boiled eggs, mixing them with mustard and paprika, and spooning the mixture back in

spoiler: it’s me

my pronouns are yes chef/thank you chef

@POTUS i wish you were a “cancel student loans” guy

Like I said, I’m a car guy.

Dentist said i grind in my sleep i said bitch i know 💯💰📠

if your roommates are always saying "we have a mouse problem" instead of "we have a mouse opportunity," you need to upgrade your circle ☝️☝️🔑