Milton Custard

It’s a dark day for dudes whose sense of humor peaked in 2006

they should take another hour every night until there’s no more time. let’s wrap things up

Alfred, fetch me my bathing toaster

Ya know what really grinds my gears? Impediments of any sort

What if a good thing happened? That might be a fun change of pace

My uber driver smells like he’s been grilling wigs and fish heads in the whip all day

Starting a newsletter called “Oh, no. They’re at it again”

Wasn’t on twitter yesterday and I gained twenty IQ points

(asexual dirty talk) Hey how are you? Fine how are you. Oh nice. Well it’s good to see you.

Girlfriend not thrilled I asked if she’d audition for the reality dating show “The Autistic Lady with Huge Tits”

(Interrupting my wife’s zoom meeting) Hey babe I noticed you didn’t cut my blueberries in half when u made my snack earlier? I guess you want me to choke and die? (Noticing myself reflected in her webcam next to her coworkers) nightmare blunt rotation lmao

commenting “ai slop” on couples’ valentine’s day pics

Bad news for pedophiles : The Dow is now under 50k.

Damn girl. Proceed to the route

"Oh you should watch this movie it's so sad" Yeah, no thanks. I like movies where a motorcycle gets driven off a bridge onto a boat

“As a little treat”-ing myself into crippling lifelong addictions

Being old as hell is underrated. Just casually excreting feces while placing a drink order at the bar

Is The Nightmare scheduled to proceed as usual today?

Eat 37,000 calories worth of food alone in darkness and silence challenge 2026