Colonel Bleep

My house is so fucking old I just found this picture in my attic behind an alligator skin trunk I never noticed before

annihilate everything that exists

My entire worldview is that Calvin's dad is not only correct about the definition of "control freak" but that people like Calvin's dad are the key to every good thing that we collectively enjoy

Honest mistake

Photographer and adult industry journalist here: that guy is the default stock photo model for “porn addiction.” I once tried to track him down to interview him. His photos are constantly used by religious pro-censorship groups and right wing outlets like the Post:

the baby is gonna get those nutrients one way or another and it’s gonna be hell on her bones/teeth

@LessCheerful LOL I thought that was interesting myself.

Oh good. His crush has shifted from his teacher to an actual age appropriate girl.

And off we go!

10 years ago from @MattWalshBlog , and it still holds true today. "By definition, if being a fundamentalist of your faith means you are a violent, animalistic savage, that means there is something fundamentally violent, animalistic and savage about your faith. People say ‘terrorists aren’t Muslims — they’re fundamentalist Muslims,’ not realizing they’ve condemned Islam in an attempt to exonerate it."

Reports (from the gnome that lives in my medicine cabinet and sings showtunes to me when i'm depressed) says the two missiles fired on Diego Garcia were fired from an Israeli flying saucer on its way back from Alpha Centauri

Noted, Father ✍️

I created a work Excel file to help me keep track of new web pages. I called it 'The Alan Parsons Publishing Project' referencing a 70s band. My boss randomly shared it across the entire project team. Now senior staff ask for updates on 'the Parsons project' with no idea why.

You shouldn’t be allowed to do a block drive by. There should be a 5 minute clock that starts ticking after you reply to someone’s post wherein you cannot block them within that window. @nikitabier.

One day we realized we had a rat in our food pantry. There was the classic hole in the wall & everything. We set a trap, and were alerted that it had gone off by the dogs going nuts. Wife and I went downstairs and the trap had the sewer rat by the tail. If it had been a native rat I might have spared it, but nope. I got a frying pan and, while my wife screamed and quaked, gave the rat one good blow. Blood spattered. Wife shrieked. I had saved the family home from the intruder. Never have I felt so manly. I don’t know why I’m saying this but we kept pet rats for years and loved them. But the same traits making them good pets (eat anything, cunning, adaptable) also make them fearsome pests. Anyway no bubonic plague in MY neighborhood.

It was just a normal boring day in the Indian Cyber Defender Telegram channel, them posting stuff to mass report.. then that last post by "Tom" made me laugh.

Every time I post about our family getting split up on a flight I’m told I didn’t pay enough for our seats or book far enough in advance. But this is what Macaulay Culkin just posted. It should not be legal for airlines to split up kids and parents on the same reservation.

Straight to prison.

@LessCheerful He's gonna get really sweaty and smelly running to school every day wearing five layers like that.

She sounded like Shego from Kim Possible right then.

and it’s not even close

@LessCheerful Largest restaurant kitchen in the world.

Kid is strengthing those lungs like crazy.

Oh my gosh, that's how my dad taught me to breathe when I ran. Breathe in 4 steps, breathe out 4 steps. I'm honestly fairly certain he never saw this movie. But now I'm wondering.