Matt Grote

Two months ago my therapist told me to quit my day job and pursue comedy, and today I'm proud to announce that we're both unemployed.

(studying footage of the Nuremberg Rallies) my god these people all had autism

Who needs bread with all this circus?

ROM could be a lil deeper but putting up 928# after a threshold swim session and 4x1 mi run ain't half bad

@Williesillie2 And you're saying?

@feMANism Matthew......

Having friends is saying shit like "I'm such a Trisha Paytas" and them being like "you're not that outgoing"

2025 out/in #newyears #resolutions

@JakeMattera Ain't this "the good doctor"

Coming this Spring to CBS…

Finally! Sick of buying 8 kinds of single purpose sand.

@Williesillie2 Yes? :)

@feMANism Matthew....

Damn it

@RKulenovic It's just 3 things

@GianmarcoSoresi The humblebrag of it (hi Tovah!)

@BrotiGupta Doesn't that make him the winner???

actually the biggest loser of the ethan slater drama is my husband who has to hear me talk 10 times a day about how few people have come out of being thrust into tabloid celeb news as elegantly and gracefully as his ex-wife lilly jay did...

Gonna start calling my boyfriend "bro" the way straight people say "babe"

I drew Garfield

@SeenKeady Don't we all

But it yearns to be touched

My favorite New York trope is Very Hot Pipe. Sometimes there is a very hot pipe in your apartment. That's just how it is! Don't touch it 🙂

@TyleKurner Star wars the acolyte

best recent historical miniseries?

Self fulfillment but it's just making your chest as large as possible

@PtakTestKitchen They don't come cheap

ISRAELI INTELLIGENCE, AFTER RECEIVING ANOTHER 60 BILLION FROM US CONGRESS: we must create a blowjob girl