Paula Dogsweat

Leave her little notes so she knows you care.

I knew it

My soon to be wife: what’s that sound? *the lumineers start to stomp clap their way down the aisle during the ceremony* Wife: I thought you couldn’t afford them? Me: I-I couldn’t The lumineers lead singer who is also my friend from high school but with a bigger beard: We wouldn’t miss it for the world Me: Dude.. *a raw sob wracks my frame which surprises the party guests, due to my profession of being an assassin*

Is Count Dooku real? Not that I’m like “scared” or anything… I just wanna know

Older friend in college: Yo we should throw a function tonight. Serious Stoner friend: Hell yeah dude. Ill bring the pot and bongs Nerd: Ahhh maybe. Ive got a test tomorrow Girl whos been fucking Caillou: Can Caillou come

When my son was 10, he recognized that I was an older father and he was not happy about that, and I never considered that. I walked into his bedroom one night, I could tell he'd been crying, puffy eyes, tears stained cheek. And I go, what's going on, buddy? Because I don't know his name. I’m never home. My son said, I've just been thinking, I'm 10 now and you're 63. When I'm 20. You're gonna be 73. When I'm 30. You'll be 83. You won’t be around for a lot of my life. I said. Buddy buddy, buddy. What's his fucking name. I said I’ll be around for a long time. Don't you worry about that. I'll be around when you graduate. I'll be around when you get married, when you have kids, I’ll be around for all that stuff. You just gotta make it happen in the next four years. Otherwise, yeah, you're probably right. I won't be around. He said, no, I'm serious. Dad. Dad? he doesn't know my name either.

POV you’re my wife cracking the bathroom door open after I’ve texted you “toilet paper”

She’s called “Anne Hathaway” because she “Hath a way” with acting, “Anne” she’s beautiful…

When I'm at a movie theater on a weekday: Who the hell are these people going to the movies on a weekday

Golf was invented so people would know how big hail was

When Alma spreads butter too loudly in Phantom Thread

the geico gecko crawled up my penis and started controlling me like a mecha suit

Jeopardy! should allow masked contestants every once in a while and when it's story time they should get to shake their head "no" and not say anything

the pitt video game actually looks pretty cool

jimmy neutron was based on a real boy from my church

Trump: I met a wonderful woman—a grandmother driving doordash to help support her husband's cancer treatment. He's got serious cancer. She delivered McDonald's to the Oval Office. To be honest, it was a little tacky.

Jeopardy: It's time for final Jeopardy Also Jeopardy: See you next time on Jeopardy

Sorry, we can’t hang out tonight. We have very little agency over what we do or where we go.

drill sergeant: you're cute. You're handsome. I think you oughta be in movies me: sir yes sir drill sergeant, raising his voice to a scream: did anyone ever tell you you are beautiful