The red-trousered misanthropist⚔️🪗🎪

What the fuck was all that about? I fear this may become a regular tweet.

@Footinit Kinell! Robbery b

Cleaner fucked off and left the kitchen to me. I diplomatically expressed my displeasure & she got aggressive. ‘I fitted into your schedule’ ‘Yes. That’s work. Tasks need doing at a specific time. If you did it as a favour I’d understand that argument.’ £200 for 4 hours.

@BenKentish It’s rein, not reign.

In the space of literally two minutes walking through central London just now, was offered (by separate people) drugs, sex and brothels, accosted by some weirdo trying to get me into his “free taxi” and had someone else try to rob me. Never a police officer in sight, of course. I love London but criminals are being given free reign.

A peppery burrata salad and a crisp white burgundy were just made for a dayl like today. I know I feel enormously content.

@JDIrwinbooks @moneychimp Erm, why not? X

@GervaseWebb @moneychimp If you'd like to read both in the series, I can send the first one first?

We need to have a conversation about the fact that there are three “C words” and they are very, very different from each other.

@JDIrwinbooks @moneychimp Thank you.

@GervaseWebb @moneychimp Haven't forgotten the manuscript, Gervase! Will send this afternoon.

@moneychimp @JDIrwinbooks Oh yes.

@JDIrwinbooks For example, my sweet, elderly client shocking me by saying “of course it’s very early to be talking about the c word” meaning Christmas.

@Footinit Good luck, Good and Godspeed. Hope it all goes smoothly. X

The movers have arrived and told me to sit in the garden and relax. One of them looks like Theo James but BETTER. Wish I’d put my face on, tamed my hair and wasn’t twice his age.

@AngieCordeiro57 I suppose one can dream…

Silly goose it’s May! 🎼it’s it’s here, it’s here that shocking time of year! That lovely month when everyone goes blissfully astray Tra la, it's here, that shocking time of year When tons of wicked little thoughts merrily appear It's May, it's May, that gorgeous holiday When every maiden prays that her lad will be a cad It's mad, it's gay, a libelous display Those dreary vows that everyone takes Everyone breaks Everyone makes divine mistakes The lusty month of May

I have just hand washed my two heaviest Winter sweaters and several pairs of Mohair socks. Perfect weather for it…

@JDIrwinbooks Commiserations my dear.

@JDIrwinbooks @MyshkinBanned I bought a couple of inflatable kayaks from the middle aisle of Lidl in oxford on tour once. It caused much outrage among the serious punters. A completely mud be battered JackRussell added a certain spice to the mix.

@MyshkinBanned Who are these complete arseholes?

@x64personality What an extraordinary pile of bollocks.

Which of the 64 animal archetypes defines your unique personality?

@Footinit I was shocked and horrified yesterday when I stepped onto the scales to find that I have just tipped over 14 stone. Life is clearly being far too nice to me.

I’ve lost 7lbs in 10 days. Sadly, it’s all from my left breast.

@JDIrwinbooks Done!

@GervaseWebb DM me your email!

Sent my second crime thriller manuscript to some Twitter mates and am ITCHING to know what they think. I need to exercise some feckin' patience 😐

@Footinit @tomrosenthal Oh dear, my poor mind. I read that description as ‘talks to Clangers’!. I would love to play the soup dragon.

I love this podcast. When I tire of comedy chat and documentaries I dip into this and listen all day. Singer-songwriter @tomrosenthal talks to strangers and uncovers so many fascinating lives, perspectives and experiences.

@Footinit How ghastly. . I feel quite blessed with mine.

Awful new landlady came round twice this evening. She honestly has the warmth and charisma of a bluebottle. Her voice is like electromagnetic interference.

A good heavens, I almost set fire to my trousers with my reading glasses. Silly arse!

@AngieCordeiro57 Good heavens!

@GervaseWebb ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️only a five-star resort for this spa granny🤫

FFS, I’m a posh gran. Spa. SLIP ON SHOES AND quarter zip cardigans? Fuck right off! theguardian.com/fashion/2026/m…

Those fucking horror bins are no better either.

Sweet merciful cheeses, but the Tregorans are teejus! #TheArchers