Phil

PRETEND you’re Nigel Farage by watching the news reports from Sunderland whilst having a wank

@anon_opin Ok dude.

Colonising Mars so early in humanity's so far limited history of space travel is a bit of a stretch, isn't it? Let's start with the moon first and see how that goes.

@NewMillPaul How did you know my mum looks like Peter Griffin?

Saw this and thought of your mum

@anon_opin It was actually that trick that you do when it looks like you pull the end off your thumb and slide it along the top of your hand.

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing keyboard warriors that saying things has the same value as doing things

@fesshole Yeah, but surely the round of applause when you land more than makes up for it?

Pilot here. When I pop out of the cockpit to go to the toilet if you say "if you're out here who's driving?" you are deeply unfunny. Every. Single. Fucking. Time.

@ChrisMasonBBC Phew, I'm glad a billionaire is happy. Was worried for a minute.

Billionaire John Caudwell, who gave the Conservatives half a million pounds at the last election, tells me he is going to vote Labour for the first time in his life next month: bbc.co.uk/news/articles/…

@NoContextBrits Drugs

@BBCBreaking He's having a mare.

UK PM Rishi Sunak apologises for leaving D-Day 80th anniversary commemorations early, saying it was "a mistake" bbc.in/3X8Ywrz

@codalmighty Fun fact, my year's football team got the Toll Bar green and black kit by doing a sponsored 12 hour football match. True story. I think.

Jason Stockwood - Life is Life: from Scaffa to Sunny California Here's part one of the Blundell Park blockbuster interview you've been waiting for. codalmighty.com/site/ca.php?ar… #gtfc

@JonathanPieNews Epic shithousery.

"Things can only get better" Blair-ing in the background. Genius.

@ASLEFunion Any links other than behind the times pay wall?

...play their part by hiring enough drivers - whatever their age - to run the service they're contracted to provide. 2/2 thetimes.co.uk/article/school…

We've long called for the minimum train driving age to be lowered to 18, so more young people leaving school can get a start in a great career. We welcome the government's moves to make this change. Driving age isn't a magic fix, though, and the train companies must... 1/2

@TravelodgeUK hello. What age is do you class as a child? I have a 16 year old.

@premierinn my family are looking at booking a room with yourselves. It'd be two adults and a 16 year old. Are we OK to share one family room?

@LauraJaneGrace youtu.be/FZ-K74QzNzM?si…

Modern day railway fridge.

@anon_opin If you go L R L R LR it sucks the poo out your bum for you.

Nobody knows which flush button is a big or little flush.

@DaftLimmy Tamagotchi stream going well then?

@YorksTraveller What smooth driving. They must be good at there job.

68023 & TP09 arriving at Grimsby Town, with 1B85, the 15:24 Cleethorpes to Liverpool Lime Street service.

@anon_opin Couldn't do a two week city break though.

The beach is so overrated. Hot and boring. City breaks easily better.

@anon_opin Wait, tapas is for food snobs?

You could serve McDonald's mozzarella dippers at any decent Tapas restaurant and the food snobs would gobble them up.