hal

I’m gonna win the sex cup

holyyyyyy shitttttttttt

i hate these april showers. no good can come of this.

“not to toot my own horn” - guy seconds away from tooting his own horn

I am my girlfriends phone

I have an idea on how to reduce uber rates: rename the regular fee the ‘premium fee’ ‘non premium’ costs a fiver BUT there’s a 5% chance the driver deliberately takes you in the wrong direction

“…and so that’s when they all come together and learn spinjitzu”

just made my girlfriend stop hugging me so I can tweet this but I hope wherever he is olly murs is having a lovely day

I can count the number of straight male friends I have on my penis

they’re lucky i wasn’t around for noah’s ark, they would’ve had to take 3 goats…

@arthurpostingg this is what the empire can offer you. I do NOT have friends everywhere. I have deep-substrate foliated kalkite

@arthurpostingg early s2 syril really achieved every man’s true ambition: dual monitor setup, job satisfaction and a dommy mommy gf

lowkey the little imperial cubicles in Andor look sick as fuck. i would definitely spreadsheet maxx in those

idea for fixing passenger congestion on trains: at a random, unpatternable rate, send in ‘decoy trains’ along the regular ones, which take passengers to an empty station in the middle of nowhere

@tittyfry …don’t call them a fatty…

@tittyfry I bet it’s gonna rock!

a fish spread is crazy

@LinkedIn stop recommending to follow my exes

@ScotRail idk if I’m being honest I kinda have feelings for you. I tried to ignore them for the last few months but I don’t want to be dishonest with you and I can’t keep it in any longer. I think you are so amazing and I don’t wanna make things weird but I wouldn’t feel right if

me feeling a raindrop hit my hand: pff. yeah ok. you and what army pal

of course that’s your contention, you just got done watching annoying orange, so naturally you’re of the opinion that hey apple hey hey apple. next week you’ll pick up epic rap battles of history and you’ll be telling us all about who won who’s next you decide

@tiago_spfc_YNWA why are you an anime bully at the start

Me practicing my Australian accent Oi oi oi Im trying to didgeridoo you