Huck Poe

Congrats to the Walgreens at Broadway and Granville for playing a Randy Newman cover by Michael Buble, you've achieved peak muzak

As long as we're considering making DST permanent, how about switching March over to a 30 day month? It'd help us hourly slobs who have to budget that smaller February paycheck over a long month. The Pope 500 years ago really screwed us on that one.

Taxes are a government conspiracy to make us forget what year it is again just when we were starting to get it right

Y'all waste energy arguing about ketchup on hotdogs and pineapple on pizza while you let the real monsters get away with the ultimate crime: using Crispix instead of Chex in puppy chow

Sure, a nationalized health care system would be great and all, but you just can't beat the efficiency of the private sector, like when my insurance company mails me a letter to remind me that I signed up for paperless billing and communications. @BCBSIL #MedicareForAll

I imagine it's kinda like the Twilight Zone, but with more bean bag chairs

Bedrooms and bathrooms imply the existence of a Beyond Room, and that's where I wanna be

Is it just me, or do the worker costumes from Squid Game look HELLA comfy? So many pockets too. I want to wear one casually, mask, disguised voice, and all.

All historical events have been false flag operations, except for Die Hard With A Vengeance, which really happened, and is the ONLY thing that has EVER really happened

#Delta #fallplans

"That singer sure is loud alright" -Me in the back row, wearing a frosting-stained tux

It's almost as though its only remaining purpose is to alienate and exclude people

I don't know how someone can tell whether an opera they're watching is good or bad and at this point I'm too afraid to ask

I was feeling pretty good today, but then I found out Donald Rumsfeld died. And I felt even better.

It was prob just a clerical error, but I lol'd imagining @DickDurbin himself reading my email about removing patent restrictions on the vax so less wealthy countries don't fall victim to #Pfizer's profiteering, shaking his fist, and saying "it's those damn kids with their vapes!"

Bank account: $1400 Me: *slams fists on dermatologist's desk* I want an annual skin cancer screening *grits teeth* ADD BACON

Bank account: $1400 Me: *bursts through door of M&M store* INFRAREEED!!!

Bank account: $1400 Me: *slams fist on DMV counter* I want a HUNDRED driver's licenses. Gonna make it RAIN

Bank: $1400 Me: *slams fist on the bar* I want the greenest motherfucking beer you've got

One funny thing about this whole #potatohead debacle is that potatoes generally reproduce through self-pollination, so have fun explaining that to your kids if you're so concerned about "biology.™"