I think I’m funny 🤷🏻‍♂️

Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.

I’m not saying my fart stank, but I walked into my own fart cloud and saw the devil. Ok, it stank. Like, really bad.

Del Taco is just a regular taco with Del's dick in it.

@TayConti_ Can I “heart” this more than once?

😋 been a while ..

Wait .....how do the citizens of Gotham call Batman in the daytime?

[yelling over the music as we dance] I SAID, IF THIS WAS A TUESDAY I'DVE ALREADY BEEN ASLEEP FOR 4 HOURS

I can tell you’re jealous of me by the way you count your Monopoly money when I pass Go.

@YaOnlyLivvOnce Can I profess my undying love to you now, or later?

@RealPaigeWWE Please oh please come back. You made every thing better.

@LaceyEvansWWE Semper Fi!

Say it ain't so? 👀👀👀

I’m not saying I’m more of man than you, but the force of my urine stream lifted me off the ground.

Me: *calls Kenny* Come on, come on, pick up! Kenny! I messed up, man! I started counting my money while sitting at the table and everybody is staring at me! I don’t know when to run! WHEN DO I RUN, KENNY? I’m gonna run, man, I’m gonna run! *starts running* Kenny: Who is this?

@AmericanIdol I can’t believe you let go of Murphy! Why? Why? Why! Horrible mistake.

Me: I remember when people used to care about what I sa... Waitress: *walks away, mid sentence, without my drink order*

@TheBoydP With your first single being “Concerningly Dumb”?

If I started a rock band I would call it Pink Boyd. Obviously

@TayConti_ Ok, can I buy that poster?

A beautiful disaster 🥀

Direct Deposit: $1,400. Me: *Asks JLo out on a date*

Him: So how many times have you farted on my pillow. Me: Just enough to give you double pink eye. Him: *eyes glued shut with gunk* If I could see right now...

@BiancaBelairWWE Yes!!! Finally! You deserve it!

[The Adventures of Mammal Man and Squid Dick] MAMMAL MAN (jumping out of his Mazda and waving): Hello... SQUID DICK (pointing at his own crotch): Look at my disgusting dick

I dreamed Harry had sex with the Sorting Hat. His dick was Slytherin.