Jacob Rubin

Not looking to hang here anymore. Catch me on the app that everyone else hopped to like three weeks ago.

Pretty sure this will all work out if i look at my phone more

@dereklipkin Mostly outdated stuff about sleep training and "spoiling" and whatnot, or like obvious stuff, as if I only discovered I had a child this morning and they're the first to tell me how to change a diaper.

@jacobsrubin What are these people telling you?!

When I had a kid, I knew I would be on the receiving end of unsolicited advice from other parents, and for the most part it's been fine, but the amount of advice I'm getting from non-parents is making me feel Actually Insane

Wrestling gimmick of the day: Orville Penispuncher. His two favorite things are DQ finishes and popcorn.

Explaining Whoppers to a British person: "They're like a Malteasers cover band."

2024: Pumpkin Patch (with Annie, Ziggy, Ronan, and Dom). First Halloween with Ronan! Dressing a baby up as a pumpkin is classic so we thought the whole family should get in on it. It was also my father-in-law's first time celebrating Halloween and as you can tell he went subtle.

2023: Ted Lasso and Roy Kent from "Ted Lasso". Spent the evening with me getting recognized by Lasso fans and then I'd go "oh and Roy is here!" and they'd LIGHT UP. I cannot do his accent. Annie crushed hers, though.

Happy Halloweek! Here's a thread of all my Halloween costumes from 2004 to the present.

Happy Halloween from our patch to yours.

ME: Hey what's that thing that doctors call what they do? And lawyers? Like they don't say "I have a lawyer business," they've got their own word for it. ALLEN IVERSON: Oh I know what you're talking about.

Billionaires are not wise or benevolent - they are your enemies

NEXT WEEK! I'm hosting Halloween trivia at Townhouse in Emeryville! Wear a costume and compete to win glory and free food and drinks probably!

I don't know what it is but something about Sabrina Carpenter's voice reminds me of Hikaru Utada! Drop that "Simple and Clean" cover, Sabrina!

A pirate when he gets hit in the groin

"This caeser salad is good but I wish it was worse" - the guy who invented kale caeser salad

@JKf0rtyse7en Moo Deng/ look at this fucking guy

@jacobsrubin Not "New Slang" by mid 2000s indie group The Shins? Just a suggestion.

[Sung to the tune of "New Fang" by late 2000s alt-rock supergroup Them Crooked Vultures] Moo Deng

UFC to Introduce Items hard-drive.net/hd/video-games…

I know I have a big baby but I'd really appreciate it if doctors would stop walking in and going "hahahaha what the FUCK dude WOW"

That guy who's always online defending the business practices of Facebook and Instagram is a real