james eagan

Elon Musk made $36 billion yesterday. That's more than most people make in a month.

Life is just a series of discoveries that previous discoveries were incorrect.

Siri, do you think John liked Wings and Paul's solo stuff? Be honest. Seems like Uncle Albert would be in John's wheelhouse, right? And also, do you think Paul got weirder after Beatles while John got more serious? What's that about, Siri?

@MarcCarusiello banger

Turns out, the mass you're flatulating is lighter than air so you GAIN a tiny bit of weight when you fart. Now I have dozens of very mad and extremely gassy clients in my office claiming our Fart Yourself Skinny ads are deceptive? WTAF! This is why America can't compete!

Rough morning for those of us who are actually trying to make the world a better place. When I started my Fart Diet business I had assumed, like I think most people, that when you fart you lose a little bit of weight because you're expelling mass.

Tired of seeing ppl struggle to break into TV writing, so I'll spell it out for you. 1) In your meetings mention you like to bake. 2) Congrats, you've got 12 job offers. 3) Every 2 weeks buy fancy bread or cookies, put it in ziplocks, and say the secret ingredient is Dr. Pepper.

@therealvali @NickfromIslands so goooooooooood!

Had a terrific time watching @NickfromIslands power through a song off his new album while going through an automatic car wash. The cleanest man in show business Islands - Headlines (Official Video) youtu.be/UmuJhSElnPE?si…

@ohgodscrewthis Fair enough, but keep in mind the justification clearance levels for calls for violence are pleasantly not as rigorous as you would think!

@james_eagan I was gonna riff on it, but my take wasn't funny enough to justify what seemed like a call for violence *shrug*

Stand-ups should be more receptive to the contents of their hecklers' criticism. Could lead to some genuine growth for both people. Doesn't always have to end in confrontation!

@CampaignLegends @cowonthewall @DanielJamesChan "Happy Trails Legends"! Like it's sung by Townes Van Zandt himself! Amazing!

17 Days Left! @cowonthewall and @DanielJamesChan (and their talented teams!) created songs & themes that invariably match each story's needs! From Future Favorite to individual theme music, what's your favorite #LegendsOfTomorrow song? #SaveLegendsOfTomorrow #LegendsCon2023

@helytimes The only person audacious enough to peer into the soul of Nofziger is Nofziger himself.

If you get too interested in trying to understand Ronald Reagan then pretty soon books like this arrive at your house

Please check out #Goosebumps on Disney+, where I have once again found myself writing dialogue for puppets.

@jk3rd_ @FeelikeSmiley no, he doesn't know who dell is

@FeelikeSmiley bro doesn’t know who steph curry is

When was the last time an NBA legends child succeeded in the NBA?

@BenjaminCrew1 Robyn is here

When I was 20, I went as Indiana Jones to a haunted trail and a guy called me "Indiana Jews" and then immediately fell and sprained his ankle and was screaming in pain and the scare actors didn't know what to do so a bunch of skeletons dragged him away. I think about this a lot.

Heard this song in college. Never gotten it out of my head. 79 views on youtube. Doesn't exist on Spotify. I think it's a perfect thing and the world has zero interest in it. youtube.com/watch?v=Sq6OwF…

@ACheshireAlice @BenjaminCrew1 First day on the new job. Pilot and finale.

Some of the best character development of all time

I actually prefer not winning the championship. If we won, what would there be to grind for? #HEATCulture

@nickadamsweb Maybe she was talking to Kevin McCarthy's neighbors?