joel

Rubbish, rubbish, rubbish DPD… of course we weren’t at home, that’s a field. #DeutcheParcelDebacle

@BBCr4today there was such an important interview on an UN Inequality Report you cut short telling Prof. Stieglitz you were going to the news. Instead we got promo for a Radio 4 programme… surely the gravity of what being flagged is more important than a pre-recorded ad?

@KremlinTrolls I would say that was burgers

Can a doctor tell me what's wrong with his face?

So pathetically stupid.

@fesshole 🚩 🚩 who orders lemon and herb? I would have stood up and left through the kitchen at this point. Also a note: every Father’s Day I get to go to Nando’s - only to wind up wife. It gives me such pleasure.

Guy took me on a date to Nando's. In his defence I'm fairly chilled and love a Nando's. However he ordered a butterfly chicken in lemon and herb spice. Never been so turned off in my life. Informed him the second he ordered the date was over

@ProfBrianCox @LenSeaside Got to be the coolest physicist of all time - the Dave Brubeck of particles.

@LenSeaside youtu.be/8R14lkKZUNw?si…

For the last time today, the thing that’s whizzing through our solar system at the moment is a comet from another solar system - the third we have detected in the last 8 years. We are detecting them now because we have better telescopes. It’s really cool, because it will allow us to study ancient material from systems beyond our own. Here is a good summary: esa.int/Space_Safety/P…

@RadioGenoa Sorry, who is who?

Always them, incredible.

@jackunheard I have the Laurel and Hardy theme music

First word that comes to mind?

Netanyahu recommending anyone for a Peace Prize.

I like this one better: “The poop”. 💩

The one thing that will save us, now the adults have left the room is Prima Donnald’a’s supreme incompetence and deep stupidity. Thank god for Mark Carney stepping into the zest pool of politics. Canada - please just carry on being Canada. You’re great at it.

@UpdateNews724 The artificial colouring on the product on the left or the sweets on the right? V

@fesshole Ask him to have a look at a broken electrical sex aid? When he says you’re going to have to get a new one throw your arms up in the air and say WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO UNTIL THEN?

I really fancy the local electrician but I don't know how to ask him out, I've already got 3 outdoor sockets I don't need because I keep chickening out.

@sarah_ashleigh1 I would say, looking at the spelling of price is may be a scam

@ILA_NewsX @UpdateNews724 Are you aware of how much US debt China owns? I think they basically own you … check out the bond sell down…China owns huge amounts of US govt bond and can kinda burn you now.

@UpdateNews724 America must remove Chinese influence from our society.

@fesshole Some people holdcthrir weddings in faraway places to discourage the auto-accept crew but I would never do such a thing. Never.

I deliberately sent wedding invitations out late to some family members as I didn't want them there, two arrived the day of the wedding, I blamed the wedding planner, that was me, they'll never know.

@fesshole While I think what you’ve done is incredibly wasteful and stupid I can’t help but admire how long you’ve held a grudge and your willingness to invest in satisfaction- my only fear for you is that they shrug, book a flight to Polynesia, have wild sex on a beach and are happier

I've left a very substantial life insurance plan to an ex that broke my heart. The only reason is that I hope it causes a massive argument with their spouse and they don't believe they've not seen me in over 30 years.

@bushontheradio The expression on their faces when you ask them to move said bag like you wanted one of their organs

I've had a load of requests to draw these train shitehawks

@jennyeclair Why are people so horrid? I think you’re gorgeous.

I have just been informed by a hideous man in Superdrug that I used to be more attractive when I was younger - a spat ensued

@fesshole It was you… when I find you

Last month I had a drunken one-night stand with the gf of a local nutter. Typed my contact details into her phone with the wrong number/ address and sent her home still drunk in a taxi which I paid for. Haven't been out in town for 32 days and won't until my new beard is fuller.