John Roberts

@richardosman @ingridoliver100 @adorleeweddings Congratulations 😊

The most magical, joyful day on Saturday with my beautiful wife @ingridoliver100. Surrounded by wonderful friends and family, a day full of love and laughter. We're so, so happy ❤️❤️❤️

My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We're both covered in the same pasta sauce.

@ReturnofR Currently, Blow by Theory of a Deadman

What SONG could YOU listen to OVER and OVER?

@ThatEricAlper Floella Benjamin

UK warned to prepare for 'ruthless cuts', which is a typo just waiting to happen.

A minister was quoted as saying there was no one swimming at that time!!!!!!forgetting that other than humans swim in the sea all the time

If you have a small child who is constantly following you around & you feel as if you have no time to yourself.. One day they'll be 18 and out there, living their own life & you'll miss those days when all they wanted was to be with you And it happens in the blink of an eye..

@VanishingInc Gordon Bruce

Let's play a little game... Tomorrow, we'll be announcing our Guest of Honour for The Session 2023. Can you guess who it is?

If committed Lib Dem Liz Truss had decided in her twenties to infiltrate the Conservative Party in order to become leader & screw it up from the inside, how exactly would she have behaved differently over the last month?

Getting a bit tired of “save on your energy bills this winter!” emails that basically say “turn everything off”

Person 1: “Just popping out for lunch” Person 2: “I’ll join you!” That is not your decision to make, Person 2.

@ArfurSmith GPS wouldn’t work, satellite transmissions would be patchy, The Americans tried this some years ago.

How would the world be different if pi equalled 3?

Subscriptions >>> bit.ly/viz319tw

The best thing about Halloween approaching is being able to pass off the cobwebs in my house as spooky decorations.

@urmumsausername I get a bit embarrassed that I find your boob pics so attractive, much prefer your other tweets that are erudite and witty.

If you followed me for my boob pics, you'll be very disappointed when you find out that my other tweets contain no cleavage whatsoever. Tough titties mate.

If Prince Harry can take down the Daily Mail, he will be a Royal who did something real for the service of the people and democracy. #DailyMail

Revolt like a girl

When Suella Braverman was attorney general I had an extraordinary exchange with her press office who insisted we rewrite an article about Braverman to make it more "positive". I had to explain a free press didn't work "like that". Anyway, enjoy your new home secretary everyone.

I'm seeing some misunderstanding the benefits debate as if it were workers v unemployed. Roughly 40% of those who receive Universal Credit get them as in-work benefits to top up low incomes. Many others too have disabilities or mental health problems making work difficult.

I found my neighbour sitting in his car today.the chap I’ve been cooking for since the start of the lockdown. He’s a bit lonely. The drive was in full sun. He said it’s warmer than being in a house he can’t afford to heat. This is Britain 2022. He’s worked all his life. He’s 80: