John Wessling

“Hey Girl, is your name Mark Meadows? Cuz you’ve been ignoring my sub-penis!”

@JonDeFullerton @TravisRodgers @KamBrothers I sit around and do nothing mostly.

@MikeMacRaeMike Closest I get is saying I’m “on Dad duty.”

Searching for these married men who say "I'm babysitting my kids" in real life like Bigfoot

THEJOHNWESSLING at the other thing.

@maybef4n Do it man

I’m not getting on FaceTwitter. Ever.

Attention comedians and comedy aficionados! Help out the living legacy of the late, great comedy groundbreaker #LennyBruce! A perfect way to say thanks to Lenny, and to help a beautiful human being who has helped so many and now needs some help from us! RT & spread the word!

My dear sister-friend @realKittyBruce, daughter of Lenny Bruce, is battling some challenging health issues. Our friends at @ComedyGivesBack have set up this page where you can make a tax deductible donation. Please give and share. 💜🙏🏻💜 givebutter.com/kittybruce

First image released of suspect in White House cocaine case.

@espn975 @johngranato

Using a word or a GIF, let us know your assessment of Cristian Javier this season. #Ready2Reign

@CraigHlavaty Same.

My inability to hear in loud places makes me irritable.

@Brant_Croucher Hell no

@JJWatt @SheaSerrano Nice try JJ, but there’s no way Shea ain’t gonna root for a team called THE SPURS. @SpursOfficial

@SheaSerrano Welcome Aboard. My name is JJ Watt and I’ll be your captain, guiding you through all things English Premier League. First things first, you now support Burnley Football Club. We are the Clarets, we’ve been around since 1882 and Turf Moor is our home. #UTC

based on the responses so far it sounds like English Premier League is what i’m looking for — now i just gotta pick a team — thanks everyone 🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼

Boo. Twitter is lame. Sad.

@maybef4n I’m a dem and I endorse this message

No dem would ever sanction this because they lack spines, but there are ways to use hateful decisions against the hateful people. You just have to sack up

Cool. I just have a couple questions before I make your drink and if I disagree with your politics then you can get the fuck up out my bar. They wanna play hardball? Play hardball

Agree 100%! A perfect game happened, the ump blew the call. It’s an easy fix.

The positive consequence of podcasts is it’s given a lot of comedians fan bases and careers. The negative, it’s given a lot of comedians fan bases an careers.

@CraigHlavaty Perseverance, my dude.

I don’t know how I smoked cigarettes in this heat.

When you offer to pay and the bill arrives but you had no idea how much a sizzling platter of combo fajitas for two costs in the year of our lord 2023.

For those watching the new Black Mirror episodes, why wasn’t it the other way around? Human on Earth and replica in space??

@Lissielys It’s legal in Texas to have a capybara as a pet.

@PeezyTX Your driver lol

Who’s day drunk in an Uber on I-35?