Jonny Cohen

@fesshole At least he couldn't give you the finger if he was pissed off

Worked in Asda, walked up to a gent struggling with his basket, and asked if he needed a hand. He paused, lifted his arm, and showed me his stump. He cracked a smile and said "yeah mate, I could". 20 years later, I still cringe at the thought. I didn't notice.

@LidlGB I know these are mini ice creams but that's just taking the it to a new level

@Andy13797817 @fesshole I know the rail network is full of delays but 6 days to go that distance is taking the piss

@fesshole I’ve done the same on the train from Sheffield to King’s Cross because I didn’t want to loose my seat and no one gave me a bloody medal

PC Trevor Lock, a hostage in the Iranian embassy siege was my hero as a child. He didn't visit the toilet for all six days, as they'd have found his gun. I've trained myself to hold it for two days but six days is superhero level self-control. He really earned that medal.

@Steve_Woerpel @fesshole I know guys who have expensive whisky and drink it

@fesshole If he is into expensive whiskey, they are likely not opened and he would notice them being opened so this seems fake

I found out my bf was cheating on me, so, while I was trying to move out, one morning I peed in a jug and poured some into his 18 bottles of expensive whisky. As far as I know he's still drinking them. My friends and I now call it pissky.

@fesshole Probably thinks she's on some court case

Everyday my husband asks questions about my job/work to show me he's is interested in what I do. I'm a barista. How many questions can a person have about coffee?

@Laura2418 Get her along. My two year old loves it, always asks for Shinnie. I think they get for free until 5 years old then they need a season ticket

Thanks folks, she’s only 2 😂! Looks like we’ll have to get her a season ticket 😅!

ON. RE-PEAT 👊🏼! 🔴⚪️

@townandthat @fesshole Probably under a duvet with a blanket on top too

@fesshole The deceit. Hiw do you sleep at night ! 😊🥶

Every night my wife asks me to put the heating on when she goes to bed. I say "Yep will do". I never do. I know she's asleep before the boiler would even turn on. 15 years I've been doing this and she's no idea. Wonder how much on gas I've saved.

@fesshole A new meaning to doggy style

I once rigged the results of a charity dog show because I'd had a one night stand with the owner of one of the dogs and she was going to tell my girlfriend.

@antmcguire @fesshole Isn't it relevant in the fact people cant then comment here saying...this guy is white and he hates a person of ethnicity.

@fesshole skin colour relevant here?

Outer suburb of London. There's a bloke I see regularly in and around the local shops and train station. Never met him or had any dealings with him, nor seen him do anything objectionable, but I absolutely loathe him for some reason. He's white in his 50s like me.

@fesshole Fair enough but student nights are mid week

When I was at university, I worked as a barmaid in a quiet pub explicitly so I wasn't available to go clubbing on Fridays and Saturdays.

@fesshole Might have been a shot in the dark

Women I'm having an affair with invited me over for a 30-min window when her husband would be out. Hadn't been there before. Spent the entire time wowing over her expensive coffee machine and then playing with her cats. Only managed to get a decent bit of snogging in.

@fesshole Only thing he managed to teach was how to hit the paws button

I once spent an entire afternoon trying to teach my dog to use a touch screen, only to realize he was just licking the screen for the taste of my fingerprints.

@fesshole Nah I like tight shoes.

I have only just realised that you don't need to tie shoelaces as tight as they can go. You can tie them slacker and, unless you're going to walk miles, they'll be fine and also much more comfortable. I'm 52. I blame the parents.

@meldrumXRP @CormackDavie This is brilliant. Exactly how it should be

@CormackDavie Dave, it is unbelievable how much you have done for Aberdeen football club, it is now a club that kids are proud to say I support Aberdeen, my boy did a survey in class today. Class of 25 kids & 22 support Aberdeen. None support the ugly sisters 3 support hearts. Your vision 👏👏

@fesshole It's a compliment right? Effectively saying the builder is that good they want to make sure they are available for themselves. Saying that, how much Building work can one person need

Self-employed builder here. Recently saw a client comment on a local Facebook page that they'd never publically recommend their builder (me) for fear I'd get too busy in the future to work for them again. Cheers. Never working for them again.

@fesshole Honestly no idea what I was typing here. It should be 31/7/22

@fesshole My wife gets annoyed all the time that she's 30th July. Then we daughter who was born 12/2/2 and noe its game over.

Had an elective section for my daughter, we got to choose her birthday. Convinced my wife that the 31st of July made the most sense. 4 years on and my wife doesn't know that I chose that because it's Harry Potter's birthday. My little Chosen One.

@jet2tweets i booked a holiday yesterday over the phone, I noticed today that my daughters last names are spelt wrong. I logged in but it'll only let me change one name. Hoping you can help ov DM instead of having to call

@FlixBus I received an email yesterday advising my booking is cancelled. Also een advised that I can rebook, however when I checked alternative bus times I notice the bus I originally booked is still available for booking

@talksportbet how do I claim my new customer offer? I signed up to deposit £10 and get £30 free bets. Iv put £10 on France to win outright.