Jordan Schmidt

@ptung8 @GrangerSmith You suck

@HoveyBenjamin dude hit me in the DM! Come write in Nashville

“We’ll do a round of surf and turfs for the the table” - things you hear at a country club

I bet even Reagan hates Reagan National Airport

@m10penny This is profound. Proud of you buddy

When you clean the vacuum cleaner, you become the vacuum cleaner...

If it’s called the pointer finger because we point a lot, it could also be called your booger finger

Also a HUGE thank you and congratulations to @HardyMusic, @zdevin and @jordanmschmidt!!!! You guys are incredibly talented writers.

@tonythaxton Hahahahaha

As much as I love living in Los Angeles, valet parking at the vet is the dumbest, most LA thing I’ve ever experienced.

It gets harder and harder staying up till midnight on The 4th of July but you gotta do it!!!!

when you try pulling the hotel blanket from where it’s tucked

Rodeo coming out July 12th hit that retweet 🔥🔥

@tombstonepoetry @grahamrowell

@grahamrowell @jordanmschmidt real talk: most paper cups are wax coated so they dont soak through but that makes them not eligible to be recycled. most paper straws are not coated because the whole point of using them is that theyre able to be recylced/are biodegradable

How come they can make paper cups that don’t fall apart in under 2 minutes but not straws? MAKE THE STRAWS OUT OF THE CUPS WHAT ARE YOU DOING SCIENCE

@grahamrowell I’m just fuckin sick of it

A BROADWAY SHOW ABOUT A PIZZERIA AND THEY MAKE ACTUAL PIZZAS ONSTAGE AND SERVE THEM TO THE AUDIENCE AND THE PIZZA IS SO DELICIOUS BUT THE SHOW IS GODAWFUL AND SO IT CLOSES BUT SOMEONE BUYS THE THEATER AND TURNS IT INTO A PIZZA RESTAURANT AND THEN THEY DO A BROADWAY SHOW ABOUT IT.

@adamhambrick Cuz you’re a poser sometimes

@jordanmschmidt Why you gotta subtweet me like that bro

Did you ever fly private if you didn’t post 20 photos throughout the entire year about it? #nothingprivateaboutthatONEflight

Comments on pornhub should be called cumments

Uber Snark in Nashville would kill it, then go out of business immediately

A rare animal that cries like a man was found in Arabian peninsula. They used to believe that the cry was of the dead souls from the graves until they found it crying. 👇🏼