Justin Tyler

Cops knock on Don Jr.'s door. He jumps into his time machine to go back and fix all of his mistakes. The cops drag him crying out of a cardboard box with 'Time machine' written on the side in magic marker.

Jd Vance Ohio State Trophied the Pope

Staying Alive with @adampally & @gabrus premieres April 24th wherever you get your podcasts.

I'm performing an hour of standup on 4/26 at @artny27! Featuring Brittany Carney and @GastorAlmonte! Get tickets: eventbrite.com/e/nat-towsen-t… I've been doing this show on the road and I'm excited to finally bring it to New York! Brought to you by RE/VENUE NYC

The @nycomedyfest shenanigans continue TONIGHT! 😈 7pm ASSSSCAT 9pm Characters Welcome 10:30pm Little Secrets

No matter what happens tonight it’s comforting that right now Trump looks like hammered dogshit

I don’t really do endorsements. I’m not shy about sharing my views, but I hate politics and don’t trust most politicians. I also understand that people want to hear from me because I am not just a celebrity, I am a former Republican Governor. My time as Governor taught me to love policy and ignore politics. I’m proud of the work I did to help clean up our air, create jobs, balance the budget, make the biggest infrastructure investment in state history, and take power from the politicians and give it back to the people when it comes to our redistricting process and our primaries in California. That’s policy. It requires working with the other side, not insulting them to win your next election, and I know it isn’t sexy to most people, but I love it when I can help make people’s lives better with policies, like I still do through my institute at USC, where we fight for clean air and stripping the power from the politicians who rig the system against the people. Let me be honest with you: I don’t like either party right now. My Republicans have forgotten the beauty of the free market, driven up deficits, and rejected election results. Democrats aren’t any better at dealing with deficits, and I worry about their local policies hurting our cities with increased crime. It is probably not a surprise that I hate politics more than ever, which, if you are a normal person who isn’t addicted to this crap, you probably understand. I want to tune out. But I can’t. Because rejecting the results of an election is as un-American as it gets. To someone like me who talks to people all over the world and still knows America is the shining city on a hill, calling America is a trash can for the world is so unpatriotic, it makes me furious. And I will always be an American before I am a Republican. That’s why, this week, I am voting for Kamala Harris and Tim Walz. I’m sharing it with all of you because I think there are a lot of you who feel like I do. You don’t recognize our country. And you are right to be furious. For decades, we’ve talked about the national debt. For decades, we’ve talked about comprehensive immigration reform that secures the border while fixing our broken immigration system. And Washington does nothing. The problems just keep rolling, and we all keep getting angrier, because the only people that benefit from problems aren’t you, the people. The only people that benefit from this crap are the politicians who prefer having talking points to win elections to the public service that will make Americans’ lives better. It is a just game to them. But it is life for my fellow Americans. We should be pissed! But a candidate who won’t respect your vote unless it is for him, a candidate who will send his followers to storm the Capitol while he watches with a Diet Coke, a candidate who has shown no ability to work to pass any policy besides a tax cut that helped his donors and other rich people like me but helped no one else else, a candidate who thinks Americans who disagree with him are the bigger enemies than China, Russia, or North Korea - that won’t solve our problems. It will just be four more years of bullshit with no results that makes us angrier and angrier, more divided, and more hateful. We need to close the door on this chapter of American history, and I know that former President Trump won’t do that. He will divide, he will insult, he will find new ways to be more un-American than he already has been, and we, the people, will get nothing but more anger. That’s enough reason for me to share my vote with all of you. I want to move forward as a country, and even though I have plenty of disagreements with their platform, I think the only way to do that is with Harris and Walz. Vote this week. Turn the page and put this junk behind us. And even if you disagree with me, vote, because that’s what we do as Americans. vote.org

TONIGHT is the premiere of STARPUNCH⭐ We can't wait to kick off our brand new monthly 'best of' show! History will be made... so get your tickets NOW!!! 💫💫

Debate wrap up: JD Vance at a JV Dance youtube.com/watch?v=lhK8FL…

Doing this show, playing a young, fresh not-at-all-weird JD Vance

Waittttt...this weekend is going to be amazing! We’re kicking it off tonight with: 7pm ASSSSCAT (Live & Live-streamed) 9pm The Stepfathers (Live & Live-streamed) 10:30pm Beast (Live & Live-streamed)

Debate win AND Taylor endorsement ??

The surprise was balloons!

Getting word that Kid Rock’s plane just landed in Chicago…

Obama with the slyest trump dick joke right there?? YES

Trump watching this on the edge of his seat praying that Joe says ‘I’m back in’

Couch agenda gaining steam

About to launch my genius ‘Shrimp with an end’ promotion

Cmon sun, do something cool today too

Earthquakes moving back east after a rough year in LA

this video is so funny not only because of @jtsizzle 's writing and acting, but because of how badly he immediately fucked his eyes up with reddi wip 📽️ below