Kev Pickers

I was 18 at a staff Xmas party, and an older staff member asked me back to her room for "coffee". She went up first for a shower. I noticed no kettle in her room. Went back to my room to bring a kettle. She looked at me, and we had coffee. Years later, it clicked.

Saw a cucumber on the ground in Tesco's car park. Went to run it over for a laugh. Didn't realise it had fallen out of a women's bag and she was walking over to pick it up. Sorry cucumber woman

Rule Britannia.

@fesshole Heirs brother Dick

Whenever I go for a wee, I like to gently flick the end of my willy before I start, like a doctor does when preparing a syringe.

@MelissaReddy_ Get them to rule on City and Chelsea 😅

Meanwhile, still pinned on CAF’s official account…

@FakeShowbizNews They'll all be sweating.

More than 600 jobs to be cut at New York’s C+C Music Factory due to AI technology

@HenryJackson87 😅 had to Google it wrong Ryan 😅 not up to speed on American films

Help me settle a completely pointless argument with someone to prove I'm right. What is Ryan Gosling's best film?

@NoContextBrits Poor Kuntz

Jakob can be thankful he never grew up in the UK.

@fesshole Isn't that dogging?

The dog looked at my dinner with those eyes and I looked at hers. We swapped and we were both happy.

I wet the bog roll for 90 per cent of the wipes. Only use dry paper for the last couple. If there isn't a sink next to the toilet I take a cup of water in with me and dunk the bog roll. I'm convinced people who don't do this must be walking around with shitty arses.

@fesshole Get a room, with a bidet you clean arsed cunt

@HenryJackson87 Football wise I just wish it was June, and somehow we finished 5th.

I'm so tired of watching this Liverpool team this season. Brings very little joy and a huge amount of frustration.

@NOTLFCJ__ He is on yellow maybe that's part of reason

Jones has clearly pissed off the manager because there is zero excuse for him to still be sat on the bench here

@TheRedmenTV Rupert

Can't hate their manager in that scarf, sorry

My teenage daughter has the hots for the boy down the road. I'm unable to tell her that he is gay as I have been sleeping with him and I wouldn't know would I?

@fussballgeekz @osvaldooardiles @SpursOfficial Reckon he's using petrol station footballs there, one step up from balloons

Ossie's new contract included the usage of #Tottenham's luxury penthouse in #Enfield and a new pair of tan Cuban heels. @osvaldooardiles @SpursOfficial #Spurs

I am a courier. On a recent piss break at one of my regular stops, I let out a long, noisy fart. An extractor fan I'd never noticed before noisily burst into action and as I looked up I spotted it was connected to an air quality monitor. Isn't modern technology amazing?

@fussballgeekz I still mix Breitner up with Rory McGrath

Dieter Hoeneß & Paul Brietner endure a moment of sullen reflection after #BayernMunich are defeated in their 1982 #EuropeanCupFinal face-off against #AstonVilla. The Bavarians would have to wait a further 19 years to win Europe's premier club competition again.

What