hawkguy

@ProlificGames had to share this pic of my mom utilizing her babe biscuit💙

Me: I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present. Cop: You ARE the lawyer. Lawyer: So where’s my present?

Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don't like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don't bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I'm gonna light this flamethrower.

By the time you turn 35, you're in a blood feud with either Lowes or Home Depot, and have sworn vengeance against a minimum of two major airlines.

"Gen Z is obsessed with subtitles" man i cant fucking hear what the characters are saying bc nobody knows how to mix their fuckin audio

Two devastating questions from the five year old today: “Are cats made of meat?” and “Why do things exist?”

got a new kitchen appliance

the s in STEM stands for slut

double meat at chipotle is free this week you just need to bring a gun

Just walked past a woman gently rocking a newborn in her arms, whispering, "I'm going to teach you so many swear words."

She's a 10 but she whispers "that's a spicy meat-a-ball" every time you take your pants off

There should be meat in keyboards, like you should be able to pry out the keys and suck meat out of them like crab legs

me: what do i feed them fbi agent working undercover as a worm salesman: do u have any dead bodies at home

{training the new oompa loompa} have you ever seen a dead body

if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am

Ok, I love my dentist.