lisa ingram

@nickimoraa I officially love your mom for that comment

Last Thanksgiving he tried one final time. He told my mother, “Nobody understands me the way you do.” And my mother, without even looking up from her plate, said, “That’s because I spent 32 years lowering my standards.” I have never seen a grown man become quiet so fast.

My dad left my mom after 32 years because he wanted to “finally be happy.” The woman he left her for was 27. My mother didn’t scream. Didn’t beg. Didn’t even argue. She just quietly said, “Okay.” For the next year she learned how to use online banking, started traveling with friends, renovated the kitchen he never let her touch, and took dance classes. Meanwhile....

@Romy_Holland Exactly this

whenever there’s a line in a public bathroom, i notice that the women ahead of me usually take like 3-5 min in the stall. i’ve always been confused about why. i timed myself today and it took me under 40 seconds without rushing. is everyone else just resting or something?

@FratellisDragon @MrsNickyClark It was the tap that did it 🤣

@MrsNickyClark "I'm still speaking" ... fucking iconic!

I remember Jonathan Ross cutting a dress off a woman’s body on his chat show. I remember him on his BBC R2 show telling his sidekick Simon perhaps he could get a girlfriend with special needs. Well done Aisling Bea. Women are bored of this shit.

@KeruboSk My great-grandad born 1899

Just out of curiosity… who out there has actually talked to someone born in the 1800s during their lifetime?

@atensnut Rob Lowe, then, now, whenever 😍

Who was most handsome back then! Me: Mel Gibson

@everymovieplug Kaos

Name a cancelled tv show that deserves another season.

@nrmehta @lestertoes That is so beautiful. Sending you much love ❤️

@lestertoes I feel for you and you captured a unique part of the suddenness. I wrote this a few days ago about my daughter's death.

cw: suicide when my dad ended his life three years ago, my mom put all his stuff in boxes and rented a storage unit. we haven’t been there since and i went there today and i realized all the unfinished things suicide leaves behind. the boxes were full of his clothes, but-

@Dammi_Esq Yep it's my husband's first wife 🤣

Did you know? Somewhere out there, there’s someone who has the exact same three names as you same surname, same middle name, same order.

@fesshole I'll reach this on 27th October next year. 27th October is also my mom's birthday 😢

A calculation website told me that today I have lived exactly the same amount of years and days that my mother lived. Assuming I wake up tomorrow morning, I will begin a day she never experienced. That makes me feel far weirder than actually getting old.

@simphiweyinkoc_ To circle back on my earlier point

How do you say “did I stutter?” in corporate language

@nadooshjas You need me to come with you? I got you, just say the word but please do it x

The NHS need to stop harassing me NO I DO NOT WANT A CERVICAL SCREENING OKAHY IM SCARED

@acabaret13 @sapphyreblayze This

@sapphyreblayze It's also crazy how many boomer rock stars raped girls as young as 13 only for people to say "they were groupies" and "it was a different time."

it's crazy how many boomer rock stars have casually come out as bisexual in interviews only for people to act like it never happened

@barnesy305 @RyanTroutSays That is a banger

@RyanTroutSays Even better, here’s one they cut from the film. Written by Eugene, just lovely harmonies. Rest in peace Catherine. youtu.be/FMbeMmYkAXQ?si…

Catherine O’Hara and Eugene Levy parked this absolute heartstopper of a song right in the middle of a hilarious mockumentary and I think about it a lot.

@Ssaniya_ Called a squab by the way

Where do pigeons hide their kids? Every pigeon I’ve ever seen is fully grown. I’ve never seen a baby pigeon, and it’s genuinely troubling me.

@interesting_aIl 2 gym bro's in my yoga class a few weeks ago. Hilarious 😂

When the gym bros try pilates 😭

@fesshole Similar memory of always having tea with my best friend on a Thursday. Our mom's were best friends too. We only realised years later that our dad's were paid on Friday so by Thursday they had to pool the food to feed us. They didn't eat on Thursdays 😢

My grown children always tease me that porridge made with water is my favourite food because it's all they saw me eat. I hate porridge. I only ate it because it was 50p for a bag and I didn't want to let them know we were poor as shit. The 'proper food' was for them

@brookenicholsny @_sorrengailll Love her stuff

@_sorrengailll Literally nothing from Charlotte Tilbury works for me. Not skin care, not makeup, nothing.

Girls, what if each of you shares the worst make up product you’ve ever bought, so the rest of us don’t waste money for nothing? I’ll start: olaplex shampoo

@quesadaaa_ @_sorrengailll Omg this

@_sorrengailll Il makiage foundation. Or however you spell it. It was so yellow and cakey.

@3rab_vision @grok what is the code referred to

I hate when tourists come to Arab countries and start accepting everything that’s offered for free. Like, you’re not supposed to do that there’s a whole code behind it and they just ignore it. They act like it’s a giveaway festival and it ends up putting hosts in an uncomfortable spot. They don’t get it, and honestly it feels like they take advantage.

@idlewildgirl Try David Lloyd in Birmingham. Absolutely chaotic

Not seeing the sudden January surge of newbies at the gym like usual, anyone else noticed the same? Can people just not afford it any more I’m wondering?