Lisa

@fesshole That was Knackered Fanny with their debut single Longing for My Two Pump Chump.

@NoContextBrits Not here...

That’s not a good sign.

@OfficialFPL Shite.

After 7 Gameweeks, sum up your #FPL season so far in one word 👇

@NoContextBrits It's the yeast they could do.

“Where’s the flag?” “Fuck knows. Just stick out the Hovis loaf.”

Meanwhile outside the stadium... 🇮🇪

@lfcadam @fesshole

I live alone & have no friends. In the summer my neighbour often has all his mates around & they have a bbq & beers. I silently sit on the other side of the fence drinking beer & pretend I'm drinking with them. I know all their names, wives & kids but they don't know I exist

@pukegirlcore @NoContextBrits 249. We are so embarrassing, sorry.

“Niche dialects like British.”

@fesshole Your mates (if you even have any) think you're a massive knob.

I recently faked a family emergency call to get out of paying for the next round at the pub.

@fesshole Charlie in the Chocolate Factory

At a rap concert I was queueing for the gents, a urinal became available but I told everyone I was waiting for the cubicle so I could sniff coke. I don't do drugs but decided this was cooler than saying I'm a nervous pisser who can't use public urinals.

@fesshole I'm sure this isn't the only way you neglect your children, you absolute weapon.

I've told my husband I am on medication which helps me sleep and therefore I'm a deep sleeper. This meant I never had to get up in the night for if any of our kids woke up. The "meds" are vitamin d pills and I hear the kids, I just never get up

Knocked my wife's favourite mug off the table where it smashed on the floor. Grabbed the cat, quick as a flash, and deposited her on the table just as my wife came in to investigate. Sorry Socks.

@M555MPW @anon_opin Former Secretary-General of the United Nations, he was Egyptian.

@anon_opin Yeah that's a good one 🔥 I know it but can't remember where from

No matter how long civilisation lasts there will never be anyone with a better name than Boutros Boutros-Ghali

I love running. Wanted to run from Tierra del Fuego to Cape Spear in Canada to raise money for charity. Was told I'd need to post on social media at least twice a day. I've never posted to social media in 23 years. Facebook scares me. Just donated £500 instead.

Wife & I like to communicate / insult each other through the cat. He now recognises the silly voices we both do, pretending to be him, and will often leave the room in a huff. He's also a rude , foul mouthed little shit.

@NoContextBrits Tradition.

@fesshole What a crime, you've been on the lamb ever since?

To anyone who received half-eaten kebabs through their letterbox in the early hours of the morning in York between Toffs and Knavemsire Road between 1996 and 1999, my pissed mates and I are belatedly sorry.

Our little superhero has started school❤️

@Chris23236702 @thetimes See you down the front you big fanny

@deliverance73 @GrahamT42640895 @fesshole Thank you, fuck's sake these replies are dire.

@GrahamT42640895 @lw678 @fesshole

Since my early twenties had a problem with post-void dribble, those last few drops of pee that come out after you've zipped up. Saw a solution to it on an episode of QI in 2009 and ever since, I think about Dara O Briain whenever I take a piss. Thanks Dara

@GrahamT42640895 @fesshole Well taint that a great idea!

@lw678 @fesshole put your finger in that bit of no mans land between your bollocks and your arsehole and push it and hold a few secs . . I found out about 3 years since . . .works . . .thank me late