Eustacia Vies

Can't believe I have been using dating apps this whole time like an IDIOT, when apparently I can just pick up cute, brilliant men at the LIBRARY

Sorry everyone I'm only dating incredibly handsome men now

My favorite sitcom is the one about the buffoon dad who's wrong about everything and has a sarcastic wife that's way too hot to be married to him.

Shout-out to the cool girl in 6th grade who offered to smoke a bowl with me. I said no because I thought she meant like a whole cereal bowl full of weed and that seemed like too much. But Allison, I'm sorry, and can I take you up on that now?

Reason 16715 I have swiped left on dating apps: a photo of a dude golfing with a terrible swing. I don't even care for golf. So don't give me a photo of you doing a boring sport badly.

@derridalicious I had lunch for my birthday with the guy I was dating and when we kissed goodbye he said "see you next week?" And then lockdown happened the next day and I left the country 5 days later. Needless to say, I didn't see him the next week

Whenever someone on a dating app refers to themselves as a capitalist, I want to match with them just to ask how many means of production they own

A really cute guy on tinder who seems interesting and compatible, but he has a really douchey goatee, wdyd?

Online dating is so arbitrary. Sometimes I think, no, I see your calves in that photo and they do not excite me

Sometimes I swipe right on people just because their dog looks like mine🤷🏻‍♀️

Is it possible to break my phone by swiping left too hard?

Guys who don't get matches on dating apps, has it ever occurred to you that every aspect of your profile is absolute garbage?

Just tell me I'm cute and smart. You'll just have to trust me on both, ok

me: if the devil is evil, why does he punish people for also being evil? If anything he would be like yo that shit up there was DOPE here’s your cocaine fountain and the sex palace is right this way you absolute legend priest: just eat the wafer and fuck off will you

Unfollowed my cousin on Facebook and it felt, so good

climate change deniers be like “if the earth is so hot how come it’s single”

I haven't had a partner that stays over for a long time. I'm still trying to learn to sleep on the whole bed, instead of just half of it

long distance dating is like "lets fantasize about going to 7-11 and getting snacks together"

I think that's the whole point