tom

friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out me: [turning around] who Medusa: hey friend: I said don’t look statue:

@WinningByARose Congratulations! You’re L’Oréal bb

hiiii......! I hit 18k followers today WHAT?! Thank you for all the love and laughs and thanks for laughing with (at) me. BIG LOVE 💖

Professor X: what’s your super power? Me: hindsight Professor X: that’s not going to help us Me: yes I see that now

man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake

Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday me: WHEN IS THAT

Prince Charming: I must find the owner of this glass slipper King: what does she look like? Prince Charming: girl

Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day, but teach him how to make pasta and he’ll eat for like a week that’s way too much pasta Greg

[if I was in horror movies, a thread] jock: let’s split up me: no

me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists wife: she’s three me: I don’t care how many she is

wife: our beautiful baby girl me: she’s got your eyes wife: and your nose Gimili: and my axe

I wish my bed was as comfortable when I try to sleep as it is when my alarm goes off

A woman's place is in the kitchen, so she can taste this delicious carbonara I am making

interviewer: why do you want this job me: I need money to buy food

@mostLeeOff Late night

@pilau Wait, so since I haven't slept what do I call it? 🙃

@AwkwardAndOdd 😔

@pilau Lack of sleep makes your hair fall out...

I am very very very very very very tired.

@lincnotfound I’ll take it

@lincnotfound I have 52 how many sleep does that get me

@writeden *sigh* no

@ChickTech @thegallowboob Aaaany minute now

@pilau @thegallowboob *taps watch* only a matter of time

Mix it up this weekend by staring into a different part of the void

@ChickTech @thegallowboob It’s been half an hour now

@pilau @thegallowboob Wait for it.... : ||