Bob D. Smiley

Please give me 37 seconds of your life and watch this ad I made for my new book.

@chasemcelroy @offerup But did you get the jeans?

The other day I figured out the phone number of the person that was using an email address that belonged to me. They created an @offerup account and were messaging people about some jeans. I found the phone number in one of the messages and gave him a call. There was a lot of confusion but then he realized he forgot to add the numbers after the letters in the address. Sometimes you think people are being nefarious but it turns out they just aren’t very bright individuals.

Judging by the 3 breathless emails in my inbox, Dominos has mistaken my casual weekend pizza order as the first step in an intimate relationship.

An overlooked fix for writer’s block is to bake cookies. This won’t solve your creative problem but you will have cookies.

I’m afraid there’s no easy way to say this. Worcestershire.

I just want what any writer wants. To feel seen. Known. Memorialized. With a statue. In a park. A good park, not some crappy one next to a Walgreens. And I want school kids to write book reports about me. With dioramas highlighting historical moments from my life. And if their construction paper cutout of me isn’t perfect, I want the teacher to tear it out of the shoebox and yell, “That doesn’t look anything like him, you stupid idiot!” And I want songs written about me. Songs that are played on a federal holiday created in my honor. And on that day every year I will emerge from my mansion and march down the street with a stack of autographed books, and people will scream my name, hoping that I might toss one their way. And as I disappear down the block, behind me I will hear the sound of beautiful women weeping, telling each other through tears, “Now we can die. For we have seen him. The most humble man who ever lived.”

Here's a heartbreaking Hollywood story… I recently finished the BEST movie script I have ever written. Unfortunately it's about the world of competitive meat slicing and the fact characters are yelling "Cut!” throughout the script makes it too confusing for modern film crews.

The greatest gift my children have given me is their total disinterest in organized youth soccer.

Boy did I pick a bad week to schedule my Venezuelan Presidential Palace tour.

My unboxing video for my new book did not go as planned.

And if you’re looking for a smaller producer, keep me and humble picture company in mind.

There aren't enough good Thanksgiving stories out there so I wrote one. open.substack.com/pub/bobsmiley/…

@beneverard It’s been 3 days. Should be wrapping up soon!

@masterfulbob Let the games begin. (Had to do some practice round demonstrations).

Oldest are 10 and 11. It’s going to rain hard all day in LA. Which is equivalent to a blizzard in the Midwest in terms of disrupting daily life. It’s time to show them the time honored winter weather tradition. When the weather gets bad, the board games emerge. We are playing RISK for the first time.

The voice inside my head asked if she could host a Friendsgiving for all the other voices in other people’s heads but I’m thinking of saying no.

If you are failing to land a traditional publishing house for your book, one often overlooked solution is to raise 500 million dollars and buy a traditional publishing house.

@storyandplot Rock on, Tom. Thanks for sharing.

I will take a break from the usual screenwriting tweet to share that I am 24 years sober today. My drinking pretty much killed the first version of my screenwriting career. After 8 or so years, I had burned enough bridges that it was time to move on. I got sober, became a little closer to who I wanted to be, and a few years later started working again. But honestly, the new career was not the primary benefit of getting sober. The primary benefit was that every relationship in my life improved. I was a better son, brother, uncle, and friend. I was also a much better teacher, something I fell in love with around that time. I know not every drunk gets here, and I am reminded often, "There, but for the grace of God go I." So I am going to focus on that gratitude today. No matter what. Because it's so easy to miss just how much of a miracle every moment really is. Special thanks to all those trudging the road of happy destiny with me. And I hope anyone who needs to chooses to join us.

@CindyBegel I like this idea! Minimizes problem of having solo reader who is feeling grumpy or has other biases coming in. Price point 😬 but if proves fruitful people will pay.

Via "No Film School". New screenwriting platform, "The Gauntlet". Big writers endorse it. $380. Scripts go thru levels (IF good enough). W/ coverage. Level 1, 20 pgs read by 5 readers. Go higher more pgs read. Highest: 17 readers. Scripts get promoted. Time will tell if it works.

There are many definitions of success. As a writer, I prefer the most delusional ones.

The funniest book of the year drops in one month! Silvercordstories.com