Matt Wright

My special “Live at the Majestic” is now available. Over 5000 people watched in in less than 24 hours which for me was very cool. Throwing something into the abyss of the internet is terrifying so sharing is appreciated. youtube.com/watch?v=Vq3DsL…

@beauhightowerdn @ShabbosGav beautiful sentence

@ShabbosGav I don't care that much. Just observations about life

Man. I'm about to be 43 and I can actually feel myself falling out of my physical prime. No HRT and I've been able to fight it off through my late 30s and Early 40s by staying active, but not mid 40s ... I am starting to get weaker in the gym, the salt and pepper is becoming mostly gray and I don't think I could even touch the rim anymore. You somehow in your mind know it will come one day but for it to actually get here is a crazy experience. I see why people have midlife crisis now, because you start to lose the version of yourself that you have been for your whole adult life.

@BennettChr44386 @MapleLeafs Dr. Analytics over here doing math and getting sad about it

@mattwrightcomic @MapleLeafs It isnt. Not in 9 years, with one coach having 5 of those years. Thats firing a coach every 2 seasons.

General Manager John Chayka announced today that the club has parted ways with head coach Craig Berube

@BennettChr44386 @MapleLeafs that's a completely normal amount of coaches Chris

@MapleLeafs For all the dumbasses acting like this will save the team, this is literally the 3rd head coach that couldn't get these losers over the hump.

@cullenthecomic @GianmarcoSoresi I hosted that show by accident. It was insane.

@GianmarcoSoresi Ben was a strictly open mic-level comedian up here until he discovered an audience that just wants to hear people say heinous shit into a microphone without regard for punchlines or joke writing. His skill level is on full display here

Yeah dude the job is to trigger the audience members to laugh

@WatchMyReview @bigheadhcky amazing he's not in prison

@bigheadhcky Amazing Treliving can keep his job.

Last years trade deadline, Toronto traded: • 2026 1st round pick (top-5 protected) • 2027 1st round pick • Fraser Minten • Nikita Grebenkin To acquire: • Brandon Carlo • Scott Laughton They almost beat Florida in the 2nd round, losing in 7 games. They flew too close to the sun.

@uncledoomer he tweeted

instagram is so fucking pointless. if you spend more than like 30 seconds a month on instagram you are the most mind raped turbo normie slop tard imagineable. an irredeemable cattle slave.

@JohnMcL73 @CanadasLeafs x.com/Willy4Hart/sta…

@mattwrightcomic @CanadasLeafs Hits from a midget have zero impact. None. He has zero physical presence. In the playoffs he would be invisible

Berube hates skill. It is really that simple.

@JohnMcL73 @CanadasLeafs True information got this guy so rattled he had to drink 11 beer and come back

@CanadasLeafs @mattwrightcomic Don't care what he istex at. Use your eyes he is tiny

@JohnMcL73 @CanadasLeafs Llowest height listed on the internet is 5'9. One inch difference makes him a "midget" and Domi grizzled physical playoff warrior, nevermind NR89 hits twice as much and scores at a higher rate. Not gonna argue with someone who isn't interested in reality but the info is available

@mattwrightcomic @CanadasLeafs No. They are not. And not the same build. Max is 5'10" . Robertson in reality is 5'7".

@JohnMcL73 @CanadasLeafs Nick Robertson has 20 more hits than Max Domi in the same amount of games. You're lying right now, probably accidentally, but you'd be right more if you weren't allergic to numbers.

@CanadasLeafs Stats lie and liars use stats. Ever heard that phrase. It also doesn't show how easily little Nicky is pushed off the puck or how bad he is defensively

@arrtnem It should be noted that this is a beautiful piece of writing. I would suggest you try to get it published somewhere as the quality of the work is worthy of that.

you’re not even exaggerating. There really are two versions of you and they live on opposite sides of a tiny number on a settings screen. Below three hours and you start walking like someone from a black and white film. You read real sentences. You notice light. You remember you have thoughts that aren’t just reactions. You can sit with a coffee and stare out a window at 08:41 like you’re cultivating depth. You text people back like a person. You listen to music and actually hear it. You get that old-soul feeling, like you’re too aware for this era, like your brain belongs in a slower world where attention wasn’t constantly being auctioned off. You become the kind of human who has an inner life. Then it creeps past three hours and suddenly you’re not a person, you’re a device accessory. You’re sprawled on the bed at 23:17, screen six inches from your face, thumb doing that dead little flick, eyes half open. The feed is feeding. Your brain is not thinking, it’s absorbing. You watch someone else’s life, then another, then another. A hot take, a thirst trap, a war clip, an ad, a meme, a baby, a breakup, a recipe, a tweet about capitalism, a skincare routine. None of it sticks. All of it leaves residue. you can feel your brain atrophying in real time. Not in a dramatic way. In the small humiliations. You open a book and the words slide off. You try to watch a movie and you reach for your phone during the first quiet scene because silence now feels like boredom and boredom now feels like pain. You try to write and your mind keeps trying to turn it into a tweet. You can’t hold a thought long enough to build anything with it. Your attention is a room with a broken door. Everything blows through. So you make a joke and call it “ironypilled e-girl on the digital grindset” because humor is the only socially acceptable way to admit you’re drowning. what’s actually happening under your joke. High screen time isn’t just “I got distracted.” It’s usually a signal that you’re trying not to feel something. Because when life feels even slightly sharp, the phone becomes anesthesia. It makes time pass without you having to inhabit it. It gives you stimulation without commitment. Company without intimacy. Drama without consequence. It fills the space where your own thoughts would show up, and your own thoughts are sometimes unbearable. The phone is a mood regulator. People pretend it’s entertainment. It’s not. It’s a pacifier for adults. That’s why the “old soul” version of you feels so good. It’s not just less screen. It’s more presence. It’s your nervous system finally getting a break from being poked every twelve seconds. It’s your mind returning to its natural speed. You stop living in reaction mode. You start having original thoughts again. You become capable of boredom, which is secretly the gateway drug to creativity. and the “e-girl grindset” version isn’t evil. She’s not lazy. She’s tired. She’s overstimulated. Under-resourced. Avoiding. Seeking. Numbing. She’s trying to scratch an itch that can’t be scratched by content. She’s trying to get a hit of meaning from a slot machine of micro dopamine. She’s trying to feel alive without doing anything that risks failure. So she scrolls. And the comedy is that both versions of you feel completely real when you’re in them. When you’re at 2h 47m, you swear you’ve transcended. When you’re at 6h 13m, you swear you’ve become a creature of the feed and this is just who you are now. neither is who you are. They’re states. Your “old soul” is not an aesthetic. It’s what happens when your attention isn’t being harvested. Your “e-girl grindset” is not a personality. It’s what happens when you’re using the internet to manage your nervous system. the reason the 3-hour line feels like a moral boundary is because your brain is telling you something true: past a certain point, the phone stops being a tool and starts being a habitat. You don’t use it. You live in it.

@SportsDataQuest @joshuakloke you cooked

@joshuakloke What the setup should actually be tonight

Maple Leafs lines at morning skate in Washington. Now soliciting pizza recommendations if you’ve got ‘em Knies-Matthews-Nylander Robertson-Tavares-Cowan Joshua-Roy-McMann Lorentz-Laughton-Domi Maccelli Rielly-Ekman-Larsson McCabe-Stecher Benoit-Thrun Tanev-Myers

@84grabovski84 @joeyferg hahaha

Aside from the the soul-crushing realization that the renewed hope we all felt in 2016 is dead and gone, the worst part about Auston Matthews becoming Nik Antropov is the most annoying people are always going to correlate it to Marner leaving despite it starting the year prior

@jody_claggett @Prince_Fynnz I think this guy likes meat

Fixed your list for you: 1. Ribeye steak 2. Chicken breast 3. Ground beef 4. Pork chops 4. Bacon 6. Turkey thighs 7. Salmon fillet 8. Lamb chops 9. Beef brisket 10. Pork tenderloin 11. Chicken wings 12. Sausage links 13. Ground turkey 14. Ham 15. Beef short ribs 16. Shrimp 17. Cod fillet

Once men start eating: 1. Pineapples 2. Cucumber 3. Watermelon 4. Bananas 5. Oranges 6. Apples 7. Strawberries 8. Coconut 9. Mangoes 10. Avocado 11. Eggplant 12. Onion 13. Broccoli 14. Garlic 15. Ginger 16. Carrots 17. Blueberries And start exercising and getting morning sunlight, you’ll gain more strength and stamina and boost your overall health. Repost for others to learn!

@sciencegirl I have COVID

People who rarely get sick, What's your secret

@RonoAnalyst Nick Robertson?

William Eklund has been very good defensively, which is a good sign for San Jose’s future, as the Sharks already have offensive weapons in Celebrini, Misa and Smith. Kent Johnson needs to be better.

@Steve_Dangle Management (and the fan base) are obsessed with play style and intangibles while completely forgetting that it's beneficial to be better than the other team. They've spent heavily to add the wrong pieces for years, including the GM and the coach.

Again - what are the Leafs? What do they do? The goalie gave a cry for help and the crease is still open season. They can't generate offence. Not a physical molecule in the lineup. Awful to watch.

@HughVsDignity exactly right

FRUIT TRAY RANKING

@VQQDQQ @geoffwilt not weird, this is a perfect analysis

@geoffwilt He’s a hell of a writer. For some reason John’s style reminds me of playing catch with the most perfectly broken in baseball mitt. The sound it makes when a ball is caught, the smell of the worn leather. Dunno why, just does. Weird huh.

John Prine’s “There's a hole in daddy's arm where all the money goes Jesus Christ died for nothing, I suppose” is one of the hardest couplets ever written