Dave

@JamesTCobbler I don’t live near enough to St Albans. If you want me to watch repairs then I’d suggest setting up some cctv and livestream it 👍🏼

I’m after some advice…we opened a new Watch Lab shop in St Albans a few weeks ago and it’s not doing as well as I’d hoped. In fact yesterday it took no money at all! We have added a simple sign in the window saying “watch repairs”, but do you have any other ideas?!

@Cromwell1976 @fesshole It’s both. Or maybe neither

My cat has just killed a mouse in the garden, but because I'm too squeamish I must wait 48hrs for my missus to come home and remove it. Poor guy is resting under a tupperware box in the meantime.

I'm a 50 year old solicitor, school governor, respectable member of society. My local Facebook group is currently up in arms about a spate of cars getting keyed. All the cars are parked partially or wholly on the pavement. Local "youths" are blamed. It's me.

@alanhoneyman @Beathhigh @TheScotsman Hands up who read this and did the voice? Disgusting

@Beathhigh @TheScotsman I believe the native Americans had it right when they said "only the white man can cut a foot from the bottom of a blanket, sew it to the top, then say the blanket is longer". We'll have just a few minutes more daylight tomorrow.

Ah yes the famous extra hour we get when the clocks go forward. Well done @TheScotsman

@fesshole Too many of you. Classic tactic. The staff knew that if they ran in and challenged you that you wouldn’t hang about, you’d just starburst. Did you spangle many planes?

Over 30 years ago I was on my "RAF fitters course". For the final we devised a method of answering the multiple choice questions using different flavoured opal fruits as the code. Everyone of us passed. Instructors knew we cheated but couldnt prove anything.

@jonls_1 @fesshole That is what I came here for #warmamma

@fesshole You’re a good man, Roy.

My wife stays away for a couple of nights a week for work. She's always paranoid I'm having girls round and cheating on her. I spend the time building and painting Warhammer, it's the only time I'm really at peace.

@fesshole They are too busy going out to restaurants and cinemas with skeletons. I watch a few archaeological programmes and there’s always one on there swinging his dick and bragging that “with any luck I’ll be able to date this skeleton by the end of the week..”

Years ago a retail place was demolished to make room for residential housing. There were a lot of mannequins left behind. While building the new houses we threw some mannequins into the foundations, as if we were the Mafia. Archaeologists in the future are going to be so confused

@fesshole Nut roast

Husband loves dry roasted peanuts and reads about different types and different roasting processes. I can't stand it, it's so beige. I went to my friend's house and had a threesome with her and her husband just to feel normal.

@ManOnAHog Ah man, don’t spoil it 😳. I’m blissfully wandering around believing that these cars get another 20 years or more

I love #CarSOS Tim & Fuzz are a great duo, BUT I’ve got into the habit of checking the validity of restored vehicles and have yet to find one still being used on the road.

@RuprechtXavier 👏👏👏

@gazzamagoo @fesshole Todger lodger

No luck with the ladies, in my 30s, got in a gay relationship to split the bills and some company. Took a year to stop thinking about women while doing the deed, going to three years now and no regrets, still a closeted heterosexual though.

@fesshole I’m a lazy ass wiper Only weeks from a diaper But don’t want that scene So got shares in Vaseline

Now I'm into my 40s, wiping my arse has become an arduous task, so if I'm full when I go to bed, I've started Vaselining my sheriffs badge for a clean wipe the following day, works a treat

@MarinaPurkiss Definitely keeping it. It seems like a sure and effective way to move him on

If i’m Gregg Wallace’s wife… I’m banning Twitter.

@fesshole Honestly, management is the last thing I’d employ you for. Spreadsheets, end of year reviews and having toxic opinions of people in the organisation. You’re a petty administrator at best

IT manager here. I keep a spreadsheet of all the times my staff let me down then I have it handy come end of year review time when the lazy fuckers ask why they're not getting promoted or a massive pay rise. It has helped me immeasurably over the years.

@DeaMatronaBand Returning an overdue library book, library closes in 2 minutes and you’ve gone to the wrong floor. You both know that the fine is now going to be another 75p.

What could we possibly be doing ? 👀 *wrong answers only* Sign up to our mailing list dea-matrona.hushandrock.com

@policecommander That “yet again another shit job that’s going nowhere” that you’re dealing with - is the time to do it right. It’s practice for the proper ones. 👍🏼

Quick book research Q for the detectives out there (the grumpy old ones as well as the still-serving ones)… What’s the most important investigative lesson you ever learned?

@Bunnymen love this

@GeoffNorcott D list corpses: Stuffed, Animated and left in London. Up next on Ch 5

Last touches to mystery TV project. Based on the photo, any guesses on the title? Most hurtful / personally devastating wins a speedboat / my respect.

@adrianwaters @edwinhayward It doesn’t gain him votes that he doesn’t already have. Plus you can’t make politics any more dull to the average person other than telling them that time they bothered to vote for something - it didn’t work out how they wanted it.

@edwinhayward Why is Keir Starmer not shouting about this and telling us his plans to fix things?

It's been an utterly abominable 24 hours for Brexit news: - The UK gave up on negotiations to extend our trade deal with Canada, leaving us worse off than when we were an EU member bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politi… - New incoming border checks will add £200 million a year to the cost of our food and drink. eastangliabylines.co.uk/brexit-fallout… - MPs were warned that the EU's upcoming ETIAS/EES border systems may lead to 14-hour queues to enter (the rest of) Europe from the autumn. itv.com/news/2024-01-2… - There were warnings of possible shortages of flowers for Valentines Day because of the new incoming border checks. news.sky.com/story/roses-ar… - A plan to extend visas for British expats in France from 90 to 180 days was blocked by France's Constitutional Council court (a decision which has no right of appeal). lbc.co.uk/news/french-co… - Rishi Sunak's pledge to ensure no future laws can create a border down the Irish Sea has gone down like a bucket of sick in TUV quarters. (And has sent the blood pressure of the usual suspect Brexiters sky-high.) belfasttelegraph.co.uk/news/brexit/ji… - The EU's plans to increase bulk medicine procurement across the bloc risk creating shortages in Britain because they have very significantly greater buying power than the UK does. theguardian.com/science/2024/j… Phew! That's a truly catastrophic batch of headlines for just one day...

@fesshole Hi Hoe!

I recently developed a new hobby of hiking up mountains and I really actually enjoy it. Originally, it was just a cover so I can have an affair with someone from work. I'm not bothered if they come with me now.