Charles Lake

There’s a 100% chance that your serious reply was directed at a parody tweet.

Pizza so bad it needs dipping sauce. @absrdNEWS

I had a dream last night that I was not only murdered, but assassinated. Another totally unnecessary ego boost.

My wish for the new year is that people stop sending me clips of other comedians, telling me how funny they are. I don’t send you videos of other plumbers or accountants. “Look how well they plumb and account for things.”

Prince Harry has revealed why it’s so hard to find reliable employees

The new cat is loud, heavy, and fast. He's like the cutest chariot race.

Seasonal Bible verse: "Returns & exchanges will only be granted with proper receipt." -Kohl's 2:13-7 @absrdNEWS @NSFW_news

My time on Twitter has taught me how to change a tire, where babies come from and that I should eat something called kale. Just took a few CEO’s to get there.

Wearing one of those ridiculously tall chef hats while I serve my dog his breakfast entrée of free range, grass fed, locally sourced chicken breast with a pumpkin reduction.

Doesn't EVERYone high-five their dog after it goes poop?

People who think Elon Musk will let Twitter die don’t understand $44 billion deals. #Twittershutdown

Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.

Twitter engineers quit after discovering they make more than people with real jobs. @absrdNEWS

TV interview: Can everyone please speak at the same time?

Are Pickle-ball jokes the pumpkin spice jokes of the tennis world?

According to the BBC and PBS, the clergy of the past solved a lot of crimes.

And then one day your emergency workaround became the official procedure. You’d never been the answer to a prayer before.

If I were to profile, this arguing couple at Home Depot has no intention of returning their cart to the cart corral.