Chincha

Blow me, you oscillating fan.

I hate people say they don't like my taste in music. Well I don't like your face, but I kept my piehole shut.

I'm not drunk... i'm tipsy adjacent

When you know things way before they happen it’s not as much fun.

Amazon Gods were good today. Instead of one 4lb bag of dogfood they sent 4 bags wrapped in plastic. Math skills chef’s kiss my anonymous friend 😘

I want to know all the mysteries, especially yours.

It's impossible to find a birthday card for a 10yo boy from a 10yo boy -- why don't they have one that just says "bro happy birthday bro".

Listen I had a fucking terrible night...my friends are doing stupid fucking shit and won't let me fucking fix it

I have coffee and a $3.99 book from Ollie's. Life is good

I dont care about your problems my hot neighbor is moving now what am I going to stare at?

the way some dads feel about lawn stripes are the way i feel about vacuum stripes. i love me a nice vacuum stripe

"I'm in the business of misery..." - it's sales

What if we kissed at the Buc-ee's?

No one jumps anyone’s bones anymore.

i put strawberry jam on a peanut butter cookie and i feel like i'm top chef now

fucking Facebook 😂😂😂

Just ignore it and take a nap is my advice on almost everything these days.

Twitter is basically the acceptable way to have multiple personalities and imaginary friends.

It’s healthy to be a little unhinged sometimes.

you: "It's getting hot in here" I'm: "so take off all your clothes" [years old]