Izzy

During a diplomatic trip in 1776, John Adams and Benjamin Franklin had to share a tiny bed in a cramped New Jersey tavern Adams, nervous about catching a cold, got up and closed the window Franklin immediately objected: “Don’t shut it! We shall be suffocated!” Then he launched into a lecture on his famous “Theory of Colds,” explaining why fresh air was healthy This back-and-forth continued until Franklin’s nonstop talking finally put Adams to sleep. Since Franklin was the last one awake, the window stayed open.

@princeofthef4ll Suboptimal

the reply gay lifecycle being complimentary/engaging -> not getting a response -> passive aggression -> openly insulting you but still not unfollowing -> rapes me with molly the super dedicated ones will still do this occasionally after unfollowing

@cryingischic @asdkfjasdlfjd That’s cap, RuneScape never closes on your computer

@asdkfjasdlfjd AFFIRM i'm launching runescape

My gamble is that ruining your life in your 20s to be unemployed and play video games is still better than working 47 years to accrue a Roth IRA just to retire, have an existential crisis because your sense of self is tied to working, and be immediately diagnosed with cancer

Logging out of twitter after my hour long bathroom break to return to my job

@mead_queen_ I need to visit Ireland eventually

“Take him down to Paradise City where the Grass is green and the Girls are Pretty.”

@cryingischic I may start drinking coffee

@mors_hydrant izzy i WILL convert you

going to name my future daughter red bull drinkora

Noodles+butter+parmesan cheese

A bee playing in soft fresh rose petals 🏵️🐝

@mead_queen_ Minnesota/michigan/Wisconsin is where a ton of them immigrated in the US

"Cloudflare. 1100 employees laid off from US offices. 1100 Indian H1B petitions filed. Microsoft. 15,000 employees laid off from US offices. 15,000 Indian H1B petitions filed. LinkedIn. 900 employees laid off from US offices. 900 Indian H1B petitions filed."

When girls have their IG handle in a dating app I don’t know what they expect me to do, it just looks like they’re farming followers for clout

I need to lock in

@mead_queen_ I didn’t want to read that sentence, holy shit

@cosmopterix @caesar_pounce It’s cause of the pretzels, new fad diet

Not scared of aging because this is my mom at 2,778 years old.

The Bible has one of the best Mothers’ Day stories, one that every son or daughter can relate to. It’s the wedding at Cana. (John 2:1-11) Jesus goes to this wedding with His mother, Mary, and the wedding celebration runs out of wine. (That was kind of a disaster. Can you imagine a modern wedding reception where the open bar runs out of booze?) Jesus had not started His ministry yet but Mary knew who He was and what powers He possessed. Mary just looks at Jesus and simply says “They have no more wine.” Every son or daughter knows that terse, commanding look—“Do something about it Jesus, I’m not playing.” (That’s not actually scripture, that last part is my imagination.) So Jesus says: “Woman, why do you involve me? My hour has not yet come.” Then, in one of the more humorous moments in the Bible, Mary just ignores Jesus and looks at the servants and says: "Do whatever he tells you.” It’s really easy to imagine Jesus rolling His eyes, giving off a deep sigh, and then doing what His mother told Him to do. He turned six stone jars of water into the best wine anyone had ever tasted. Because even the Son of God listens to His mother. Happy Mothers’ Day.

Your mother doesn't want third rate pancakes and watered down mimosas, she wants grandchildren you God damn millennial.