gnat

If you’d asked me within the past week about gas prices in my area, pretty sure I would have guessed and been very wrong. Fiancé calls this being “allergic to the car.” I’m ok with that.

Best part about Halloween in San Francisco is you can’t tell whether it’s Halloween or just San Francisco

how a guy taking benadryl sees the world

There's endless songs out there about love and pain and life, but basically only one about the wheels on the bus. Just goes to show you they nailed it first try.

i think some people who are criticizing showgirl need to know that while youve been getting down about the liars and the dirty dirty cheats of the world you couldve been getting down to this sick beat

how life feels listening to new taylor when you don’t have a bitch in your ear telling you it’s bad

Refreshing and hilarious journalism apple.news/AsVT5jmDNRh2lD…

there’s this guy on tiktok who video calls chatgpt, shows it objects, asks “how much gram,” then weighs them, and if chatgpt is wrong he puts his phone in the fridge where chatgpt is forced to chat with the condiments. roko’s basilisk is definitely making a note of this man.

no one reads my tweets anymore anyway so I’m just gonna let this one cook

i tried to make two plans in one day. as if i were god. as if i were literal god.

I’m just glad I don’t have the type of job where you have to put it in your instagram name

The first visit to your nail lady after getting engaged is a level of hilarity and entertainment I could not have prepared myself for.

@Naterade0 It’s actually a great place to talk about your male coworkers

The office bathroom is no place for chit-chat.

If I ran for president I would declare that if it’s your birthday month, you don’t have to pay rent

@wizardoftoz1 This is exactly how pet insurance works. Your pet has to be late on their annual vaccines in order for insurance to cover it. Idiotic

For those of you that don’t know, I’d like to tell you about contact lenses. - insurance covers only 1 annual order per year, naturally - you are required to take an eye exam every year for that coverage - the eye exam cannot be within 12 months of your last, must be 366 days

@Naterade0 Does this mean I have permission to throw away the one rogue spoon and one rogue knife that snuck their way into my nice silverware set

I believe dishes, glassware, and silverware should be uniform. Mugs should be chaos.

Hey just wanted to say your wedding was a lot of fun! Tell your brother he danced so lithely I thought him an eel.

Bears and worms have almost nothing in common. But gummy bears and gummy worms? Very similar