lᴉɥd

@fesshole Clearly got too much time on your hands

I wear a wristwatch to match my outfit every day. The fess is that they've all had dead batteries for years and I still check the time on my phone.

@anon_opin Twit Twat

Kit-Kat and Twix should do a collaboration and make a Twix-Kat bar.

@Dominos_UK Is there some sort of helpline for when the store forgets to include the big dip I ordered? I need therapy (and a refund)

@BBCBreakfast Kicked the bouquet

Actress Dame Patricia Routledge, known for playing Hyacinth Bucket in TV sitcom Keeping Up Appearances, has died at the age of 96. She also starred in Alan Bennett's TV monologues and played BBC One's crime-busting Hetty Wainthropp. bbc.com/news/articles/…

@ess_emm_aitch A bit of natural yoghurt should cure that

@Richwolves64 What surprised me most about Josh is that he never mentioned he was a pilot

Josh losing Destination X made me give the biggest non sporting TV cheer since the Blue Peter garden was vandalised.

@the__Ward You’ve accidentally gone to Canada?

@RealCultureClub Yes - front row of Hammersmith Odeon, December 1982

43 years ago this month, “I’m Afraid of Me” - our second official single - was released in 1982! We loved bringing this iconic track back to the stage on tour last year. Who remembers hearing it live?

@bl0ndie_20 It’s a lot bigger now

@bl0ndie_20 I’ve got a screenshot somewhere of your juicy peach 🍑 Oh, no I haven’t - I deleted it didn’t I? At least think that’s what I said.

@anon_opin Calm down. No need for a tempur tantrum

It should be a legal requirement for mattresses to have handles.

@Womblegirl14 Is that thread still alive?

Do you remember when you joined X? I do! #MyXAnniversary Before I knew that a thread about food could last for years

@minimooey I have shat, sung and sent

@phil_66 Get singing

My bowel test has come back all clear - thank god🙏 Think its be boob squash one in a couple of months....

@tinytwink Still here. Is dog still dead?

Is there anyone left in here? I forgot to log on since Christmas.

@My6Percent I miss bumping into June Brown buying her cigarettes in my local Waitrose

Hearing Dot Cotton's voice again 💔 #Eastenders

@fesshole Gaslighting And electric lighting. And water lighting

Preparing for a recent divorce, I overpaid my Gas, Water and Electricity bills by over £15,000. Luckily the courts didn't check those accounts when dividing up the assets. When the divorce was finalised, I got refunds.

@ess_emm_aitch <Suppresses urge not to make a joke about it not being the first time you’ve struggled to get your cups in their holder>

My uncle asked me to buy some weights for his garage whilst he was offshore, sent me £1000 but I googled and seen the ones he was wanting for sale much cheaper, he never realised and I made a few hundred.

@Dominos_UK I haven’t got any friends so I’m just gonna tag @pizzahut

🚨THE DRIZZLER RETURNS🚨 and we've got 200 to giveaway 😮 for a chance to win one just... ❤️ like this post 😀 tag a friend