Relax - this is a simulation 💻🌍

Beginning to believe all this talk of adrenochrome being the drug of choice for the elite. Prince Philip looks amazing for his age.#WWG1WGA

@Niharikaaawast1 You would know, homewrecking bitch.

The unrealistic wedding videos that we watch is a fabricated myth...

Oh wow - this website reveals the names of everyone who's ever confessed on @fesshole shorturl.at/6jZyA

@fesshole Bollocks

I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.

@DylanNicol Get a grip of yourself!

@OliLondonTV Fun times 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍🌈

Caption this.

@julianfeeld I love the existing theme tune!

@JaneyGodley Can’t imagine what you are going through. Hugs and positive vibes being sent. Xxxx

My next cancer scan is next week, I’m scared - the anxiety is terrible and people say “yes, but I could be hit by a bus tomorrow” I get the analogy but.. They don’t have a bus following them around

@JaneyGodley I’d say aye tae that pie!

The Scottish unionsts have spent Christmas angry at my pie

A 31-year old male eagle, named Murphy, had spent years living at the World Bird Sanctuary. This spring, he built a nest and became very protective of it. His nesting instinct was so great, he put a rock in the nest and tried to hatch the rock. Guests at the sanctuary began to suggest the staff give Murphy a real egg. Elsewhere, an opportunity presented itself in late March. An eagle aerie, with two chicks in it, was blown down by high winds. One chick didn’t survive the fall, but the other was brought to the Bird Sanctuary. After a careful introduction, Murphy adopted the eaglet. Murphy is of great grandpa age, but he has finally become a DAD...and we couldn't be happier for him! 🤩🤩🤩

@Lynn_McGoo It gets worse.

Imagine being this guy. ‘I’m a bit bored this morning - think I’ll try and get a minimum wage worker in trouble for no reason.’

@IrkthePurists Jesus Christ - what a w@nker

@JaneyGodley Here is Mittens to say hello!

Send me your pet photos to cheer me up tonight #cheerjaneyUp

@AvantiWestCoast delayed forty mins coming back from Euston! Shite!

@JustJames__A @Erica_the_lamb @JaneyGodley

Thanks Everyone Janey Godley 'frightened and overwhelmed' ahead of scan to see if cancer has returned - Glasgow Live glasgowlive.co.uk/news/glasgow-n…

@fesshole This didn’t happen so bad that it unhappened things that’s did.

I've enjoyed statutory paternity leave for 4 out of the last 5 years. I'm single and don't have any kids. Work have never checked for proof of an actual baby, but just to be safe I have a Googled random baby as my phone screensaver and change it every time I become a "Dad"

@JaneyGodley Aw ace! Be sure to have a good chat with him.

I don’t want to make anyone jealous but …

@RichardDawkins Another person I used to adore who is just sorely disappointing

“Sex is not the same as gender.” But it’s not your gender that gives you the physique to tower over woman athletes & break their swimming records. It’s your sex. It’s not your undressed gender that upsets women in changing rooms. It’s your sex. You can’t eat your cake & have it.

@fesshole Ooft

Lockdown 2020 a neighbour was having a 50 strong garden party. I didn't hesitate to call the police. Within 30 mins they arrived to shut it down, escort everyone out and subsequently fine the owner. Life affirming moment for me. Halcyon days.

@DTown_11 @fesshole 😆

@fesshole Good. I phoned the police on my neighbour too, their 3 year old was in the garden with no mask on, I was appalled and they fined the 3 year old on the spot. I bashed my pans together double hard that night!