Allison Robicelli

WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCKING FUCK IS EVEN HAPPENING

The hardest part of dealing with the loonies is being reminded exactly how dumb too many people are.

@brandon_weigel THEN WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE, BUCKO.

@robicellis Run away!

Ignoring Twitter has been incredible for my mental health, so obviously I'm toying with the idea of jumping back into this shitshow. Please talk me out of this.

@MotoHotei @oneunderscore__ I literally went through PTSD therapy to recover from working for Spanfeller. If @oneunderscore__ is seriously going to be building a polar opposite work environment, I'd go back in a second. Call me, Ben! thetakeout.com/hot-pocket-ran…

@oneunderscore__ @robicellis Good News??????

NEWS: My friends and I now own and run The Onion. I’ll be the CEO. We’re keeping the entire staff, bringing back The Onion News Network, and share the wealth with staff. Basically, we’re going to let them do whatever they want. Get excited. nytimes.com/2024/04/25/bus…

How to build a nonalcoholic bar so everyone feels included, from @robicellis. wapo.st/3QIX7UZ

@LauraMLippman She's old enough for Lon Chaney! I might bring the boys. Those fuckers need some culture.

@LauraMLippman Lost all my contacts and need you to text me -- this is tomorrow night, and I need another excuse to wear my fur coat!

I want you to know I downloaded this accursed app to my new phone specifically to tell you this so if you don't text me back there shall be a pox set upon your household.

Also don't need any advice on recovering contacts etc etc etc because trust me I've already tried everything and contacted everyone. It'll take many, many days to fix and I honestly do not have the time or emotional energy to deal with this brand of bullshit right now.

Don't have high hopes that anyone will see this since business genius has kneecapped my reach, BUT if we're friends IRL, please shoot me a text as my phone was stolen on a press trip and I no longer have my contacts. This is what I get for attempting to relax. LESSON LEARNED.

I’m over at Bluesky now and have a few invites. Find a way to amuse me and one of them could be yours!

Went to see @enditbchc, H2O, Judge and @OFFICIALSTIG last night and the best part about it was this pit-adjacent baby.

By god I AM back!

@LisaESnowden What if he had diarrhea.

Lord.

@TheFrownies If you’re a writer or are in any profession that involves you staring at a screen all day, 10/10 recommending @TheFrownies. Truly cannot believe the pain has been gone for nearly a week now and hasn’t come back. Small price to pay for sleeping with stickers on your face.

But the REAL story here has nothing to do with fine lines—it’s that the constant tension headache between my eyes is GONE. These are retraining the muscles in my brow to stay permanently relaxed, so no more pain from squinting and no more daggers between my eyes!

I bought @TheFrownies. I expected them to be bullshit. THEY’RE NOT. After night one the lines between my eyes were almost gone, and when they came back by the end of the day, they were faint as fuck. Think this is day five and I can’t believe how well these things work.

Newest Lake Nipples chapter is currently in inboxes! If you haven't subscribed yet, better get on that. It's quite possibly the only Substack worth reading, and not just because it has doughnut recipes and hardcore sex scenes! (But mostly that.) lakenipples.substack.com/p/chapter-14-b…