Matthew Salacuse

Instead of throwing out my junk I am going to wrap them in FedEx boxes and leave them on my stoop for porch pirates to deal with

@memechaotic Played by Robert Downey Jr

Who named this guy 😂

Chubby Checker sounds more like a job than it does a name

@DroMeta *have and have knots

Two billionaires racing their super yachts. It’s the have yachts and have nots.

WNBA being investigated for making a basket

Tomorrow we are taking to the streets for all the Short Kings!

I went to a PTA meeting at my kid’s school this morning and boy was I disappointed that there was little to no talk about his latest offering One Battle After Another

In 20 years someone is going to find an old ticket stub and say “wow! Can you believe it was only $383 dollars to go see a concert?”

I just realized what Cole Escola’s triumphant 2027 sophomore return to Broadway is going to be: Jackie Oh!

@klara_sjo What can brown do for you?

@mattruby 1. Never had time for a wife 2. Davey in the navy for life 3. Making love to “Tonic”& “Gin” the two male dancers 4.Paul? Come on. You’re not fooling anyone

The narrator of Piano Man has zero gaydar. Dude, ya the house band at a gay bar. Wake up!

I got to hand it to @nathanfielder , half way through the 2nd season of The Rehearsal I was like “is he gonna land this plane?”

@earlboykins Thank you, sir

K wrote about the wonderful human being that is @salacuse newyorker.com/culture/photo-…

@SalVulcano Holding space

tap, hold and load in 4K

@Lenny72Off That’s amazing!! I’m not sure if I’m good or a thief or a hack

@salacuse youtu.be/oj7YMw4VCHk?si… 14 years ago

In 2025 I’d like to see double headliner tour with Lady GaGa and The Goo Goo Dolls Call it, Goo Goo GaGa

If you want to start an argument at the Christmas table quote this @JanetJackson lyric : “privacy is my middle name, my last name is control- No my first name ain’t Baby, it’s Janet.. Ms.Jackson if you’re Nasty” Making her full name Ms Jackson Privacy Control

@Diddy being charged with coercion for his 2004 “Vote Or Die” campaign

@adamraycomedy @TheComedyStore You did WHO’S podcast this past weekend?!?

BEST CAPTION win free tix to an upcoming SOLD OUT “Dr. Phil LIVE” show at @TheComedyStore🔥

I told my wife that I am actually looking forward to becoming senile because I can just rewatch episodes of Seinfeld. She said; you already do that

@clownworld Neck-less