Avogadro’s House of Moles

Blessed are the weak for they cannot deadlift a small hog or however that goes.

It’s The Allman Brothers not The Almond Brothers you uncultured barbarians..

You know how couples wear those necklaces that have half a heart dangling from each one? Well these referee whistles come in packs of two Here’s yours

From 1991 to 1998 my town believed there was a Bigfoot prowling us, but it turned out to be my uncle Quincy sneaking away from his wife to drink beer and pound off in the woods.

Anyone know when the next Titanic sets sail? I made sure to never learn how to swim in case we sink.

Wanna come over and make froot loops bracelets then eat them off each other's ankles

I need something and I dont know what it is but im about to walk until I find it

Based on Agatha Christie’s And Then There Were None, Kill Again Island was retooled as a sitcom when Alan Hale Jr. proved unable to NOT break the fourth wall.

Sorry Journey, but South Detroit is actually Canada.

Sometimes you have to forget about everything and get away from it all. *takes a nap

How do they fit everything on a bagel?

This is my emotional support unacceptable behaviour

(me flirting) can I come over and beat the living shit outta you?

Like monkeys throw poop so are the days of our lives

Life: I’m out of lemons is Pepsi ok?

*my phone alarm goes off* Them: Time for medicine? Me: nope. Reese’s cup

*kiss* *poof* Miss Piggy: I want the frog back

Why are the only tweets I’m seeing from people I just unfollowed? Feels like I’m being set up for a toxic relationship.

It’s funny how my husband tells me directions in north and south when I only follow directions in left and right.

I just realized everyone in heaven is naked.