Matt

im not racist my girlfriends eye is black

The waitress every time you take ur bitch ass wife out to eat

Me 14 beers deep at my nephew’s birthday party telling him to back shoulder fade

Supplements I take every day to become unrecognizable: - Magnesium - 8L of water - DoorDash every meal - 18 hours of screen time - Piss your bed

Me leaving the casino after the evil Blackjack dealer stole all my money

If you do this for 30 days you will be unrecognizable: -Sleep 8+ hours -Drink 2L of water a day (high pH) -Get sun daily -No sugar -Read 30 min a day -Workout 3x a week -Capture someone, cut their face off, and sew it onto your face -Meditate for 10 min daily

Easy way to have sex with a 10 without spending any money: Step 1: Post on Hinge that you need a date for the game and that the tickets are courtside seats. Step 2: Take out a personal loan, leverage your organs as collateral, and buy the tickets ($4,200). Step 3: Tell her to wear something tight and pick her up in a Porsche (if you don’t have a Porsche, rent one). Step 4: When you get to the game, ask what she wants to drink and say “be right back.” Go to the bathroom and put $4,200 on red on your phone. If it loses, double down. If that loses, triple down. If that loses, don’t panic—follow Step 5. Step 5: Go back to the seats and tell her that the bar at the stadium doesn’t accept Bitcoin. Ask her if you can use her Amex. She will be impressed, say yes, and hand you her wallet. Then use her Amex to quadruple down, and if needed, quintuple down. There’s no way you can lose five times in a row, right? Then go back to the seats and say, “You’re not going to believe this, but someone tried to steal your wallet. I chased him down, but he got away.” Act very sorry and sad. She will believe you, admire you for trying, and be happy to go home with you.

If your friend group is not actively discussing - Retardmaxxing - Energy drinks - Blackjack - Slots - Gambling - Zyns - Benjamin Netanyahu - being racist - Peptides You need new friends

when she still with that faggot

Chickens have eggs Cows have milk But women… women have both 😳🤢 Women are mutant chicken cow hybrids that shouldn’t be allowed to vote

Just found this absolute banger at goodwill

jerk me or kirk me fn

calling in retarded to work

A shark can swim faster than me. I can run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon against a shark, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.

Not if your wife finds out.

I woulda sat her down and told her she need to get a 2nd job cuz we getting divorced and im going shopping for a new bih on IG

What strain of weed will make me feel like MW2 (2009) ?

Lost 50 grand on the Puppy Bowl

I hope you get curb stomped You ain’t shit @joshhart