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Jannik Sinner Madrid GF Recap:
Yeah, sex is good, but have you ever watched a carrot make tennis history, whilst also playing at 2x speed because his beloved speedy-vroom-vroom-cars race got moved earlier?
Pre-match, there were growing concerns that Jannik was too fatigued. And, his match performance confirmed that he was clearly very tired..… of playing matches for longer than 1 hour. 🥱
Fox Boy was facing Sascha Zverev for the fourth consecutive tournament. And, pleasingly, both men were victorious this match - Jannik won the trophy………. and Sascha won the coin toss. 🪙👌
Jannik lost the very first point of the match. He smiled and nodded, and then calmly plucked 20 of the next 24 points. Just 17 minutes in, he was up 5-0, and Sascha had a front row seat to Sinnerball Studio’s production of Groundhog Day.
The second set began with a love hold for Zverev. After all, Fox Boy may be highly disciplined with his diet, sleep and exercise, but he does still like to indulge in his guilty pleasure of allowing opponents 1.5 seconds of hope every match.
Despite extending his vacation into the first week of the tournament, Darth Sinner couldn’t resist the lure of a sellout finals crowd to gush over him. Like a supermodel strutting her way down a Fashion Week runway, he cocked his hip and showed off a 9.7 forehand (💃), 9.1 backhand (🕺🏼), and then tossed his hair and did one final pose at the end of the catwalk, with a 9.5 serve (🧑🩰).
Just 58 minutes after they started, and approximately 56 minutes and 20 seconds after Zverev lost the will to live, the ginger closed out the match, and claimed his fifth consecutive Masters 1000 trophy. Many spectators rightly criticised his lack of sportsmanship when his lips briefly twitched in an upwards direction, in one of his most over-the-top celebrations yet. 😏
Team Sinner were equally understated, because they have accepted that the carrot apparently eats M1000 finals for breakfast nowadays. There was a touching moment captured between Vagno and Fox Boy, and Papa Darren has already printed it out to stick in Vagno’s sleeping bag as a reminder that he once felt affection for Boss Baby, next time it’s 3am and their 26th practice session of the day.
It was another disappointing Sinnerball day on the stats sheet. Whilst the establishment mafia did their usual backroom deals to award him the highest performance rating (9.79) on record, Jannik still committed an unforced error once every 12 minutes, and has still only managed 62 consecutive holds of serve against his German ̶v̶i̶c̶t̶i̶m̶ ̶ opponent. 😑 However, the most shocking statistic was undoubtedly the 4/4 break points converted at a rate of 100%. Immediately, the same question fell from every carrot fan’s lips - who was that imposter on Manolo Santana Stadium, and what had he done with Mr Jannik 2/18 Sinner?
As they proudly watched their youngest offspring receive his fourth trophy in seven weeks, Mama Siglinde wiped away tears of joy, and then directed Papa Hanspeter to clear some space in his garden shed, because that metal monstrosity wasn’t coming anywhere near her dining room cabinet. 🏆
Jannik, I’m running out of words to describe just how phenomenal what you are doing is. You are, after all, the first man in history to complete this incredible feat, and you have done it at just 24 years of age.
And look, not to brag, but at the same age, I successfully backpacked my way around Europe wearing one flip flop and one sneaker, because I accidentally broke the matching shoe of each pair. So, pretty similar achievements, I’d say… 💁🏻♀️😉
Finally, you’re obviously doing amazing, sweetie, but just a small suggestion for your next training session. After you’re done killing the self-belief of yet another sparring partner, perhaps you could devote a 10min practice window to close the one remaining hole in your skillset - successfully opening a champagne bottle. 🍾🤭
FORZA. 🦊🧡
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