Sydney Wicks

📢 New Paper! 📢 Oscar Wilde famously said, “There is only one thing worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.” But is that really the case? 1/4

On Finding Your People: I’m told I have an unusual talent for finding wonderful people. Below is my strategy for having a rich social life in any large city Disclaimer: This will require you acting in a way that is not normal. You may need to decide whether you want to be normal yet lonely or unusual yet connected 0. Treat it as a second job. For millennia, our social connections were supplied by ancestry, religion, class, neighborhood, local clubs, etc. Now, for most folks who read this, we live in the age of atomization. Our social connections are simply not handed to us. So you have to be unusually proactive in finding them. I cannot emphasize this proactivity piece enough. IMO it’s the main difference these days between lonely and non-lonely urbanites 1. Do your research. Yes, unless you get lucky, finding your people requires RESEARCH. If I’m in a new city, here’s what I do: Do you know at least one person? Ask that person to show you the most interesting scenes in the city. Beyond that… • The Couchsurfing site filters for high-openness people. Consider crashing across different neighborhoods to get a sense of the city and meet hosts, who often like to show people around • Dating apps sometimes help (but are also a hellscape 🤷‍♂️) • Search event listings. Google “event listings [city]” & go to things that interest you. Check Facebook for events • Go to meetups on Meetup • Search unis and cultural institutions for interesting talks. These talks might attract ppl like you into the audience. You can also approach the speaker and ask where you can find groups that care about their subject matter • Search Atlas Obscura for unusual establishments. Unusual places attract unusual people • Google for classes and join them. Specifically *take ones that afford social interaction.” Partner dancing is always a good bet • Make a giant list of things you enjoy. Then search Google/Meetup/FB for groups doing them (eg DnD, contact improv) 2. Go there. Now get outside and physically put yourself in many well-curated rooms. (They can be curated by a person with good taste or by a subject - eg “science poetry night,”) When I say "put yourself in many rooms, I mean, say, at least 3 per week 3. Scan the room. Look for people who magnetize you. Things I usually look for here: • Especially awake eyes • Animated body language • Engagement (eg they’re staring especially hard at a painting in the gallery, taking notes) • I just like their vibe 4. Meet. Now for the scary part: meeting fellow hoomans! Some things that trip people up at this stage: • "What if they reject me?" Who cares? Why would you want to keep talking to someone who doesn’t notice your worth? Their loss • “How do I open?” People focus too much on this. If there's a strong connection, any opener will do, including "Hey." But if it helps here are a few: Compliment one of their items of clothing. Refer to shared context: "How was your dance?" "What brings you to this mediation group?" Often a combo of these two is good. You: "Cool shoes!" Them: "Thank you!" You: "What did you think of that lecture?" • "I'm too self-conscious tho." Yeah, true, it helps to stop thinking of how you look and sound when you first meet someone. Focus on THEM. What about them are you curious about? • "But I'm an introvert." Believe it or not, I am too. But introverts need connection and social support too. Meet other introverts so you can sit in the same room together while reading, etc. • Important more for women than men: Don't get stuck in a long interaction that isn't working for you. Here is a line that can end most conversations: "What was your name again? Oh Steve. I'm Tyler. Nice to meet you, I'll see you around" [extend hand for handshake]. If they're not taking the cue, go to the bathroom 5. Get contact info. Ppl always fail at this part. If you had a positive interaction, exchange info! If you need an excuse, you can think of something that would be valuable for them based on their interests. ("I need to send you this video/event." "You should meet my friend, who's also a manga writer.") But really you can just offer your contact info. (In NYC you can say, "Are you on Insta?" In this city, instagram is the low-commitment way of giving someone your info.) 6. Follow up. I recommend doing this either the same or next day. If it was a strong connection, invite them to hang 1-1: coffee/lunch/a walk. If it wasn't so firmly established, invite them to some sort of group container. (eg a party, a reading, etc – something you know they'll be interested in) 7. Keep in touch. Let's say that now you've formed an awesome connection. Maybe you're three or four hangouts in. It's not uncommon that, with busy urban lives, people drift apart. Our demographic tends to lack the sorts of community containers that – once upon a time – kept us seeing each other regularly (like Sunday church or civic associations). So suggest one! Some ideas for regularly meeting up: • The gym • Meditation • A weekly class • Coworking OR: you could create your own container and benefit other lonely people too: • A book club • A salon • Sunday brunch club Social fabric is falling apart everywhere. I think we need what I call community entrepreneurs to weave it back together. These are the dinner party hosts, the club creators, the people who – when going to a concert – invite their friends to bring +1s. Consider becoming one

🚨‼️New pub alert from Journal of Health Psychology! Evidence shows that though all groups report similar levels of perceived weight discrimination, White men report the worst psychological and behavioral outcomes. Emotional regulation plays a key role in these negative outcomes